Bridge Ices Before Road -- And Other Revelations

a couple of weeks ago, i realized that i am married. that only took a little over a year. aaron and i were standing outside late at night, in the same spot where we had our first kiss ironically, fumbling to get our key in the door in the dark. that was the moment i realized that i will spend every night with aaron for the rest of my life, whether we make it in before sundown or are fumbling in the dark for our keys. there was no associated feeling of dread or euphoria ... only a weird sense of reality. reality for me though looks a lot like this:

so who's complaining?

i'm coming up on my two-year anniversary of being in arizona and i'm still not quite adjusted. for example, in virginia, the sign says "bridge ices before road." this is still what i expect to see when i cross a bridge. i just can't get used to "ice forms on bridge first." my brain skips a beat every time as it struggles to process my pre-conceived notion of what i think the sign should say and what the sign actually says.

i will go on and on about the DMV (department of motor vehicles) which is actually the MVD (motor vehicle department) in arizona and i see no reason why VDOT cannot refer equally to the virginia and arizona departments of transportation.

i'm still not used to the dry -- which is OK because it means i get to buy a lot of yummy-smelling moisturizer -- and i still don't feel like it's humid. ever. however, i will repeat: dry heat, my ass. it's HOT. i got my first dose of "extreme heat warning" in phoenix yesterday when i gave a seminar on supplemental needs trusts to the hydrocephalus association support group. i was thrilled by the technical difficulties in my power point presentation so that i did not have to lift my arms to point at it after traveling just a few blocks in the 115 degree heat from the parking garage to the hospital. sheesh. it is literally like being in an oven. on the bright side (as always), there's no need for make-up with those bright eyes and flushed cheeks and smoothly-gliding lip gloss!

i'm still amazed at the scenery every time i drive by the red rocks in sedona or zip down the 17 through the rugged nothingness that is bloody basin and bumblebee. i still think it's weird that i live my entire life at a mile above sea level -- only a few hundred feet less than the highest point in virginia -- mount rogers at 5,729 feet. so ... i guess it takes more than a couple years to overcome 25 of life on the farm.

in general, life's as slow in northern arizona as it is in central virginia -- but not for me! i've moved my grandpa's 13" tv and complete collection of futurama DVDs from virginia to tempe to prescott to flagstaff to prescott valley and am finally settling down (haha) -- back in prescott. i've gone from unproven law school grad to attorney, wife, and small business owner/part-time bike shop girl. (side note: if you haven't already, check out our progress at sultana cycles. needless to say it's been a long, time-consuming progress, and i'm sure there will be lots of fun times in the future, like when we have to figure out how to do our taxes ...) i've also gone from mostly blonde to brunette ... and trust me, it is much more fun to have a fake hair color and forego the endless hours spent pulling out those gray hairs.

for picking up and moving 2500 miles away to a place i'd never been on a whim, i've done pretty good. here's to more adventure. (and more time to share it ...)

Urban Experiment

my husband has an idea for every day of the year. most of these revolve around how to run an awesome business -- whether its for rolling your own cigarettes or serving subpoenas or managing a non-profit clinic providing behavioral health services. as glamourous as all those options are, we have decided to start a bike shop. i say "we" even though i know almost nothing about bicycles -- having learned to ride in law school at age 22 and getting my first real bike for my 26th birthday.
(i like this one because it reminds me of an artsy bicycle ad -- when really i'm just too fast for the camera in my birthday dress. whoooosh.)

so it's really aaron who is opening the bike shop as he as all the knowledge, skills, and ideas ... but i imagine a husband with a small business will entail a lot of saturdays spent tooling around the bike shop bringing aaron cookies, putting things neatly on shelves, and learning how to grease bolts or whatever. not to mention fun pre-opening day activities scraping 5 years of dust off the window sills, applying a new coat of paint, poring over subleases and insurance agreements, trolling the internet for deals on things we need, etc.

though i know it will be a lot of work, i am super-excited. my husband has dreams and ideas and he's doing something about it. it feels like a long time since i fell in that category. plus, we have fun doing lots of other more mundane things together. like watching history channel specials on hitler's body guard. playing with fires. sticking magnets to things. we might as well have our shoulder-to-shoulder time playing in grease and arguing over the merits of disc brakes versus rim brakes. (FYI: disc brakes suck and my husband would never, ever argue with that.)

so now for something completely different: part-time bike shop girl at sultana cycles!

Lessons in Real Estate

last weekend, i awoke in a great funk, possibly because the 40+ mph winds that ruined my sunday bike riding ritual. side note: aaron thinks prescott valley is the barrio, but i think it is lovely. the sun is always shining and there's mountains in the distance every way you look. there are hills, but surmountable ones. roses bloom for an insane number of months, hopefully starting any day now. plus, everything about pv reminds me of aaron; tooling around here i am treated to stories of his childhood -- glorious stories about trespassing, avoiding the police, sneaking out the window, etc.

anyway, since we were trapped inside in an effort to avoid an epic journey to oz, aaron humored me by agreeing to play spongebob-opoly while the NCAA tournament was on. he's never seen spongebob, but the game of monopoly remains essentially unchanged. however, since aaron insisted on vacuuming the living room before we could get started, i had plenty of time to read the rules. MISTAKE!!! it turns out that not only had aaron not heard of any of the best monopoly rules, none of them actually exist. there was no one-free-of-each-bill (a total of $686) for rolling snake eyes. no bonus for landing on free parking ($500 + all the taxes, fees and fines paid from traversing the board). no staying in jail indefinitely in pursuit of rolling doubles (right to a speedy trial?). we played using the rules as printed.

nevertheless, off mr. krabs (aaron) and gary (i) went on our mission to build pineapple houses, franchise krusty krab restaurants, and man the weenie hut, jr., all the while dodging nematodes and keeping an eye on plankton. (plankton is always trying to steal the krabby patty secret formula from the krusty krab, so it is appropriate that in spongebob-opoly, he is the time keeper. everytime the number 1 is rolled on the dice, plankton moves one space. when plankton gets to the krusty krab -- aka boardwalk -- the game is over and the winner is the person with the highest net worth. )

real monopoly is HARD. i remember in like 3rd grade when rebekah and i would write checks to each other in monopoly to stay alive (in between torturing ed with rice bombs). i had twice as many properties as aaron, including some high dollar ones, but he got me with his subdivision in tentacle acres. i actually had to take out a mortgage (twice ... i had already taken it out and paid it back once -- plus the 10% interest that i never knew existed but now makes a lot of sense) and sell some pineapple houses back at half the purchase price (another rule i never paid attention to) just so i could waltz through his squiddy subdivision. PLUS he didn't have the courtesy to come visit the krusty krab even once since i took it over. i lost the game by $496. neither of us even doubled our money in an hour of play.

i'm convinced i need to rethink my strategy. aaron says monopoly is all luck. i think that if that were true, my sisters or i would have beat my dad at least one time during our childhood. (and that was probably playing with all the good rules!)

we did get to enjoy some sunshine down in the valley for the cub's spring training game where they killed the white sox. we had to sit in front of aaron's dad (back left) to avoid being distracted by his crazy cubs-themed hawaiian shirt.
of course, no one would be distracted by us.

Meet Eriberto

aka bert. eriberto is named after this little mexican dive in flagstaff that has absolutely fantastic (and cheap!) breakfast burritos. this makes him slightly less threatening, although there is some apprehension associated with the original eriberto's ... i worry that the three inches of dust and asbestos flakes that have collected on the ceiling fan over the last three decades are going to fall into my food.

eriberto was waiting on my desk for me, in my new office, at my new job. apparently, my new colleagues discovered my blog prior to interviewing me and have been having a fun time with my 25 things. my boss even told my wife that she looked like she was going to a cockfight. (i'm starting to wonder if maybe that's a compliment.)

also meet pam, michelle, aileen, pat, jen, erica, colleen, krista, and andrea. (that's just the staff.) none of whom laughed when i managed to spill coffee all over the historic building trying to find my office. (which is huge and gorgeous with lots of windows!) and by the way, i'm a real adult now thanks to aaron ... #1 i drink coffee. and #2 i can't stand any sugary additives. i like it strong and dark with a dollop of cream for my teeth, no sugar. compare this to my previous preference of ice cream cleverly disguised as coffee. i've managed to keep everyone straight thus far. erica drew the short straw and has to deal with my dictation. when is legal assistant's day? because i already feel terrible that she spends the morning with brittany, alvin's girlfriend -- you know, from alvin and the chipmunks.

so what have i learned from my first week in an insurance defense firm? never, ever put your health at issue in a lawsuit. i spent an afternoon going through pages and pages of plaintiffs' medical records looking for evidence of alleged back injuries and all the bogus treatments before, during and after a car accident ... and find myself filtering through years of pap smear results and trying to skim over the details of hemorrhoids and erectile dysfunction. sheesh.

Shameless Plug

my big sister is applying for the so-called "best job in the world" ... you know, where you play on an island in the great barrier reef all day and spend an hour posting your experiences on the internet for $100,000 australian dollars ... and i need your help. (what are baby sisters for?)

and really, you need your help too, because the beach house is big enough for all of us to visit at some point during the next year and face it, we could really use a vacation.

you can view my sister's cheesy application video HERE. go there, please please please, and rate her 5 stars. do this from every computer you have access to. even if you don't watch it.

if you know kimberlee, you know she is AWESOME and adventurous and a little bit nutty. also, she taught me how to read before i could get to kindergarten, used to wear a "housedress" to class in high school, and will never chance missing the hot sign at the krispy kreme. but trust me, after 26+ years, i should know that she's super-qualified at being a dirty tree-hugging beach bum science geek. and oh by the way, is that a bird of prey passing overhead?

Mysteries

#1: spaghetti squash. apparently, my husband loves spaghetti squash, so i picked one up at the market and devoted an afternoon to its preparation. it really didn't take a whole afternoon -- the section in my betty crocker cookbook on spaghetti squashes is only one page and contains four directions: cut the spaghetti squash in half. remove the seeds. bake it in the oven. add butter.

yet, the spaghetti squash is a mystery. i cut it in half. and i was annoyed at first by the seemingly small amount of edible flesh in the center of the spaghetti squash, along with the huge pain it became to pick the seeds out of the middle. however, after it was cooked and i went to scrape out those measly strings, i discovered that ALL of the spaghetti squash is edible. there is no hard crusty hull like on a watermelon. you don't have to pick the seeds out of the center one at a time. once you stick the fork in, the flesh gives way to string after string after string. who knew!? and how does the spaghetti squash get like that anyway, when it looks smooth and flat and normal when you cut it in half? will it string up like that even before you cook it? and side note: is there any way to soften it up if it comes out a little crunchy? betty crocker left me ill-prepared to confront the magic of the spaghetti squash.

this seemingly insignificant foray into uncharted vegetables reminds me that there's a lot more mystery in the world than i realize.

#2: laughlin, nevada. aaron and i escaped to little vegas for MLK day in honor of our own dreams ... of a world where we are free to exist as the young, intelligent, progressive individuals we are without being bogged down by things like stop lights, administrators, the wintry mix, and taxes -- not the white man per se, just THE MAN in general.

laughlin was great. i love the old slot machines, where you get to physically drop in your coin and pull the handle. and i find the clink-clink-clink of my $1.25 winnings immensely satisfying. they are rare these days, but i did have luck at the pioneer -- the subtle building with the giant neon cowboy on top who perpetually winks at you. creepy. i was also rewarded in toting my winnings -- in the form of about 100 quarters -- around in my purse from place to place thereafter.

however, the whole place is WEIRD. laughlin is like a flashy, waterfront retirement home full of little old men wearing fanny packs and stooped-over old ladies pushing their walkers with buckets full of quarters perched precariously on top. but what possesses geriatrics to flock to don green plastic poker hats and congregate in smoke-filled rooms? is it the lure of the $3.99 breakfast buffet? or the dream of winning enough for a posh retirement? perhaps within the walls of the colorado belle itself? side note: i truly believe this is possible when you compare the glorious colorado belle hotel at $16 per night (+ free frozen margaritas as long as you're perched at the penny slots and a built-in krispy kreme) with the insane expense of a boring, white nursing home. is it the fact that they can buy big white tube socks out of the vending machine? or do all their christmas shopping in between roulette at the world famous watchman's timepiece outlet during the baker's dozen buy-12-get-1-free sale?

mysterious.

#3: MTV true life. i learned on howard today that MTV is soliciting people for it's next reality tv show, true life: i hate my breasts. not only do you have to be insanely unhappy with a body part that unfortunately spends most of its life wrapped up in wires held together by spandex blends, but you have to be interested in non-surgical solutions. (i also learned on howard that some girl in europe is facing murder charges after her husband died from injuries she inflicted. when she poured a flammable liquid on his balls. and set him on fire. subsequently burning down her $700,000 home. and endangering their three children who were all home during the event. let's give her a break though -- she didn't mean to kill him. only to punish him. ha.) but seriously, is this real? what is a non-surgical solution to flat-chestedness?! or one breast being twice the size of another? or having hairy nipples? which, by the way, aaron and i recently learned on family fued is an even more unpopular place to find a hair than on your toothbrush. we did not win the jackpot that round.

now *alert* too much information to immediately follow this colon: i am intimately familiar with the pain and suffering that accompanies flat-chestedness. my distress must've peaked in fifth grade or so, because that was the only year that i took the time to fold up tissues and put them in my completely unnecessary bra, adding a completely necessary 1/4 inch to my virtually non-existent bust line. i suppose the allure of greg parrish's luke-perry-esque hair swoop was too much for me. now, however, i'm gleefully able to co-exist bralessly in this hippie mountain town while retaining a modicum of decency.

admittedly, i still perceive other physical flaws in myself. and even though i can play the what-if-you-HAD-to-have-plastic-surgery-what-would-you-get game with karrie for a long while (bootie implants), i do not look at jennifer lopez with such lust that i sign myself up for major plastic surgery on MTV's i want a famous face. although i have been known to watch the freak show in awe.

i have to wonder though -- are my AAs the only thing that's holding me back from realizing all my wildest dreams? mystery.

#4: a wild ass eating out of a shiny red cadillac in oatman, arizona. although i'm unconvinced that this needs a ton of explanation, oatman is a little route 66 town in the middle of nowhere known for the wild asses that roam freely throughout. the wild ass is a dirty, fairly unrelenting herbivore that provides a neverending source of road apples to the town. i am unsure why you'd let that in your caddy. but we enjoyed our recent trip, which aaron took as an opportunity to use the phrase "wild ass" copiously and in all nature of contexts. i giggled.

but it turns out, mysteriously enough, that strolling quietly alongside the wild ass with a back pocket full of carrots and while sipping a cold sasparilla makes for a quite enjoyable afternoon. who knew?

25 Things

prof M passed the challenge on to me to reveal 25 weird/interesting things about myself so i thought i'd share. and this is a first-time confession for #22.

1. i am absolutely terrified of killer whales. i had heart palpitations last time i was at sea world with my sister. i can't watch them on TV without gripping the couch and feeling a noticeable rise in blood pressure. i don't even like seeing cartoon ones atop ocean-themed slot machines in vegas.

2. i greet people by name if at all possible ... even if that includes paying attention to the operator's greeting of "cheryl speaking" or scrutinizing the ticket-taker's name tag at the movie theater.

3. i don't think i will ever be as blindly devoted to anything as i am to clemson football.

4. i still believe that bread crusts make you taller and avoid cracks in sidewalks at all costs.

5. i can be instantaneously cheered with an ice cream cone, a box of chocolate-covered marshmallow somethings, or some swedish fish.

6. i read 5 or 6 books at once and sometimes only one paragraph at a time before putting the book down.

7. my fingers type on an imaginary keyboard when i'm having a conversation with you.

8. i believe the entire world can be explained by economic theory. (just ask...)

9. i am not one of those annoying skinny people who complains about being fat. instead, i am in the more annoying category of being one of those skinny people who complains about being skinny.

10. i say REE-mote. like the beastie boys song.

11. i feel instantly closer to anyone who calls me "kell." which happens very infrequently and almost always by someone who has no business being so intimate.

12. i spend a majority of my life in a blind panic that i'm going to screw up. this would probably be a major personality trait if not for my insane desperation to appear like i have it together.

13. every year on my birthday i tell myself that this is the last year that i can get away with wearing miniskirts and glitter -- i'm too old to look so foolish. i'll try again in april.

14. i am REALLY, REALLY good at dr. mario for NES.

15. i think i might be legally blind -- i can't see near OR far or in the dark hardly at all -- yet get through life with no glasses, contacts, or magnifying lens.

16. i will never be as successful as i could be because i refuse to schmooze. and i'm OK with that.

17. once, in russian class, i told the teacher that i brushed my teeth five times per week. she thought i meant to say five times per day, but my russian really was pretty good.

18. my wedding day was easily the happiest day of my life. <3

19. i could spend 24 hours a day on wikipedia reading about conspiracy theories, historical events, the private lives of the arizona suns, and the making of my favorite beverages.

20. i've not had a single regret about skipping out on my college or law school graduations, and wish i could've avoided it in high school. nostalgia makes me nauseous.

21. i can't sleep if my feet are dirty. and i have to make the bed every morning so that the cat won't get in the sheets. (i don't have a cat.)

22. when i was a kid, i had a huge crush on casey mahoney from the cartoon version of police academy.

23. i'm scared to have children because i'm pretty sure i will have a nervous breakdown if they are not perfect.

24. even though my granny was a crazy bitch and allegedly once described me as "looking like i was going to a cockfight," i still miss her as much as the rest of my family. there's no crazy like your own crazy.

25. farts are funny. as are the opening credits to the aqua teen hunger force movie, jackass clips, and beavis and butthead. and that show where it's half eating contest, half riding carnival rides and the person who throws up last wins.