i turned 26 this weekend, but i'm really not any different than i was at 10 years old. as a kid, my parents' standard response to "it's not fair" was always "well sorry, life's not fair." this answer incensed me; maybe life ISN'T fair, but it SHOULD be. and instead of blaming injustice on their perceived inevitabilities of life, my parents should've done their part to make it fair. (as a caveat, i'm sure that this response was more of a quick way to end an unwanted discussion than the result of any desire on their part to avoid doing the right thing.) even though i'm a public defender and incredibly overly protective of my perfect little delinquents, my ultimate goal is still to do what's right. kids deserve consequences for their actions. however, all crimes are only alleged to have occurred until proven beyond a reasonable doubt by the county attorney or until admitted to on the record. even if my client is guilty as sin, admitted his wrongdoing to the police, and handed over the evidence in a monogrammed bag, it's only fair to make the state do its job in convincing the judge.
at 26, "life's not fair" becomes even worse. because now i feel like i should be able to do something about it. i mean, i have a couple college degrees and a good credit score and shiny pointy-toed shoes. i should be able to use the influence of my goofy smile and professional appearance to gently herd people in the right direction. but in reality, i'm not any more useful in procuring world peace than i was at age 10. there is still a mile-high brick wall in the form of apathy and bureaucratic bullshit. the people in charge aren't the ones rotting away in detention. which i suppose makes it easy for them to make excuses to sit on their hands in disregard of the constitution. it also means they have plenty of time to sit around in designer suits sipping lattes and planning their rise to the top of the political food chain on the backs of little angst-ridden 14-year-old girls with crackhead moms.
just let it go, my boss says -- there's nothing you can do. thanks lady, but turning a blind eye isn't going to help me sleep at night either. six months with a bar card and i'm questioning my faith in the justice system. or more accurately, the integrity of the morons who man it.
i thought understanding was something i was growing into (however slowly) but i was wrong. and i don't want to understand how to justify inequity or alienate myself or to go down without a fight.
21 April 2008
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7 comments:
We just said "life isn't fair," we didn't disagree with that fact that it SHOULD be. your "job" in life, as well as professionally, is to see that it is as fair as it can be...for yourself and others. that is the example we tried to give you. you are in a position to make a difference! keep at it!
"position to make a difference" well aren't all the Jancaitis girls? somehow that doesnt make it work any better.
AND just like at 10, you are not willing to accept a simple explanation for this complicated problem.
The first year in this field of work can be incredibly depressing and stressful, especially before you learn how to leave work at the office. Keep trucking, work on your professional boundaries and you'll start to feel less responsible for what goes on in your client's lives. That, or get a good shrink. I found that helped quite a bit to go bitch to somebody for an hour a week and not feel as though I was placing a burden on a friend.
I'm sure you are having a bigger impact on injustices now than you did when you were ten. I plan on explaining to my kids that life is not fair - even before I am ready to explain to them about the mile-high brick wall of beaurocratic bullshit. I think, based on your current profession, that your parents probably did a good job imparting to you that if you want it to be fair you will have to try to make it that way. You are brilliant, don't get discouraged. I think everyone who encounters you, clients OR loverboys, are better for it. Maybe you'll be big enough to one day go to capitol hill and throw a latte in someone's face. :)
Sorry for spelling bureaucratic REALLY REALLY incorrectly. I have a hard time with "eau" words. Like beautiful. I have acronyms to help me spell words like that :)
Normally 26 doesn't bring a midlife crisis. :)
Maybe it's just the realization that you can't do it yourself. It takes a lot of "yous" to make it work. So maybe your job is to inspire other "yous" who collectively can make a difference.
Well said.
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