The Earth Clinic

a little note for those of you who fall into the category of too busy/too poor to go to the doctor: GO TO THE DOCTOR.

this week, i woke up with a sinus infection. it didn't sneak up on me slowly but instead the pain and congestion assaulted me out of nowhere. my head hurt. i couldn't breathe. my ears were tickling. all of the sudden, phlegm was everywhere. being too poor to go to the doctor, i turned to my good friend, the internet, in search of a homeopathic remedy with the hope of preventing the natural progression of the sinus infection to an ear infection. i came across the earth clinic, where silly hippies near and far share their distaste for antibiotics and desperate attempts to avoid prescription medication. here are some of the miraculous remedies i attempted in reverse order of exciting results:

1. change your diet. for sinus infections, this means no sugar and no dairy products. i tried this for a few days, although it is nearly impossible given that those two substances account for about 95% of my daily caloric intake. for example, i decided to do this after my breakfast of baked cinnamon apples and butter pecan ice cream. maybe it works ... it's hard to tell because i get so grumpy sans high fructose corn syrup.
kelley says: i'm not willing to trade ice cream for good health.

2. heat. adding heat to your face helps loosen up the phlegm and get the infection moving. hot shower. hot tea. hot soup. hot compresses. although comforting in the short-term, not very effective at getting to the root of the problem.
kelley says: eh.

(FYI this is where things start getting good.)

3. garlic. apparently garlic and onions have natural antibiotic properties. the earth clinic recommends chopping up fresh garlic, marinating it in olive oil, then dropping the concoction into your ear for 10 to 15 minutes to cure ear pain. OR putting the "heart" of an onion in your ear and covering it with a cottonball overnight. i half-assed the attempt and walked over to the natural food store in search of some garlic capsules.

instead, i found in the herbs for kids section (because please let's project our distaste for medical professionals on sick children), a little glass bottle of "willow/garlic ear oil." ingredients: extra virgin olive oil, fresh garlic cloves, calendula flower, willow bark, usea lichen, vitamin E oil. so except for that fungus thing, it's pretty much like i just cooked it up at home according to the recipe. (and i can sleep well tonight knowing the ingredients are all certifiably organically grown and/or ethically wildly harvested!) i squirted a dropper full into each ear, let it sit, then stuffed in a cottonball. it is fragrant for sure -- i accidentally dripped some out of my ear onto the couch. i tried to angle my head away from aaron at the movie theater. and i had an insane craving for a huge spaghetti dinner all night.
kelley says: since i already own this product, i'll probably try it again sometime when i want to induce a hunger frenzy in my husband. or the next time i wake up with ear pain. or when vampires attack.

4. hydrogen peroxide. ok, some people think hydrogen peroxide is a miracle substance and suggest many ways to use it to fight infection. first, i poured it in my ears. the earth clinic recommends letting it sit until it stops bubbling, then drying the ears out. have you ever seen hydrogen peroxide (or H2O2, as it is affectionately referred to by its worshipers) STOP bubbling? once the H2O2 worked its way into my ear, 15 minutes of bubbling was all i could handle -- and there was no sign of slowing down. even after i attempted to dry my ears out with a Q-tip and hair dryer i could still feel it bubbling an hour later. it did stop the tickling in my ears though.

second, i used it in the neti pot. karrie & kim gave me a neti pot for my birthday, as a joke i think, but once you get used to running a saline solution up one nostril, through your sinus cavity, and out the other side (usually into the bathtub), the nasal douche isn't so bad. aaron gets some good stuff out of there after spending a day at the bike shop breathing in dust and chemicals. my excretions are usually less colorful. boy was i in for a surprise though! i approximated a 1 H2O2: 5 H2O ratio in the neti pot and gave it a whirl.

as promised, it BURNED. and BURNED. and BURNED. i guess it did attack the infection because it actually blocked my sinuses back up with flurries of bubbles that i was eventually able to expel (in humongous bloody, phlegmy blobs) into the bathtub. after i gave up on the pain and cleared the solution out of my nose, my body tried desperately to repel the leftover bubbles through 30+ rapid-fire sneezes which likely rid my sinuses of billions and billions of additional germs.

finally, i tried to gargle with the leftover solution to cure my throat of its tickle. i'm not sure who thinks that adding bubbles to your throat is going to cure a tickle, but that person is wrong. although the peroxide did eventually burn through the mucus stuck to the back of my throat, it was a long, irritating process.
kelley says: the costs in pain and irritation of the bubblies outweigh any perceived benefits.

5. apple cider vinegar. another naturally-occurring miracle. i think the theory is that it changes the pH of your body, making it an undesirable habitat for germs. having just bought some apple cider vinegar to make borscht last week, i thought this would be an easy one. you're supposed to drink a couple tablespoons per day. some people complained about the taste, so i figured the best way to get it in would be via a shot glass. i've had my fair share of tequila shots (and snakebites) and this could be no worse, right? i measured the apple cider vinegar into my festive cactus-shaped shot glass and gave it a go ... i'm pretty sure it instantaneously began burning a hole into the lining of my stomach. although i began to feel better after chugging a glass of water, it was worse than any tequila shot i've ever had.

realizing that my gag reflex would never allow another shot of apple cider vinegar into my stomach, i then tried breathing in steam from a 50/50 vinegar/water mixture. instead of burning my stomach, it burned my eyes, my throat, and as far inside of my sinuses as i could breathe it in. plus, it made the whole apartment smell like vinegar for 24+ hours. i did NOT put it through the neti pot as was also suggested.
kelley says: i am the owner of a weapon of mass destruction and didn't even know it. i am 100% sure it kills germs and anything else it touches, but am too scared to use it. i'm going to start carrying it in a spray bottle in my purse for personal protection.

in the end, i stocked up on over-the-counter super-sinus medication and feel remarkably better after a few days of diligently following the recommended 4-hour dosage requirements and overloading on vitamin C. although i find these old wives tales (and the rampant enthusiasm for them) very entertaining, next time, i'll go to the doctor. i can wait till i actually have an antibiotic resistance to punish myself with natural remedies again.