i was lazily flipping through our 5 channels last night and came across a breaking news story: osama bin laden is dead. of course, i immediately consult with the internet (strike one) via wikipedia (collaborative writing by anonymous internet volunteers: strike two) to confirm that osama bin laden did in fact die on or about april 24, 2011, which death was reported by the mass media on may 1, 2011. the internet also stated that the u.s. government was in possession of bin laden's "corpse." this time, i am declining to preserve precious space on the internet and choosing instead to offer my comments.
anyone else dies, it's a "body" or "remains." a terrorist leader dies, it's a corpse. also, why does the u.s. government think it's okay to take possession of said corpse? leave him where he belongs. let's not risk the possibility that jihad is contagious. (go ahead and laugh; i guarantee you some university student is researching the genetics of extremism as i type.) also i hope no foreign government will risk the monumental hex i am preparing in anticipation of this possibility and will leave me where i belong when i am gunned down by a tranvestite weilding an automatic weapon. (long story.)
today, of course, the story has changed. the u.s. government, probably confronted with criticisms set forth above, now claims it has disposed of the remains in accordance with the muslim tradition of interring a body within 24 hours of the death. i don't know anything about muslim tradition in general, or muslim funerals specifically, but i'm pretty sure it does not encompass pushing a corpse, weighted down with cinderblocks, out of the plane on your way over the pacific ocean.
to add icing to the cake, the illustrious president obama then got on the tv to make sure the world knew that he, personally, is responsible for bin laden's death. right. if "personal responsibility" means he got a message handed to him advising of same during the first 9 holes of obama's weekly golf game (apparently cutting the game short), then okay obama, YOU DID IT! YOU SAVED AMERICA! except wait ... his speech continues to assure us that the war on terror is not over. in fact, far from it.
and terrorists rest assured that if obama continues to devote a significant portion of americans' hard earned money exclusively to finding and destroying you for an entire decade, he will find you. #1 like terrorists give two shits if we find them. they want to be found, and then martyred for their cause. that is the whole problem with those nutcases. and #2, even i, a non-terrorist, would be tempted to commit some violent crimes against unnamed (although deserving) persons nearer the end of my life if i knew i had ten years of freedom before the authorities caught up with me. ugly ex-girlfriends and coldwell-banker property management, watch your back.
anyone else dies, it's a "body" or "remains." a terrorist leader dies, it's a corpse. also, why does the u.s. government think it's okay to take possession of said corpse? leave him where he belongs. let's not risk the possibility that jihad is contagious. (go ahead and laugh; i guarantee you some university student is researching the genetics of extremism as i type.) also i hope no foreign government will risk the monumental hex i am preparing in anticipation of this possibility and will leave me where i belong when i am gunned down by a tranvestite weilding an automatic weapon. (long story.)
today, of course, the story has changed. the u.s. government, probably confronted with criticisms set forth above, now claims it has disposed of the remains in accordance with the muslim tradition of interring a body within 24 hours of the death. i don't know anything about muslim tradition in general, or muslim funerals specifically, but i'm pretty sure it does not encompass pushing a corpse, weighted down with cinderblocks, out of the plane on your way over the pacific ocean.
to add icing to the cake, the illustrious president obama then got on the tv to make sure the world knew that he, personally, is responsible for bin laden's death. right. if "personal responsibility" means he got a message handed to him advising of same during the first 9 holes of obama's weekly golf game (apparently cutting the game short), then okay obama, YOU DID IT! YOU SAVED AMERICA! except wait ... his speech continues to assure us that the war on terror is not over. in fact, far from it.
and terrorists rest assured that if obama continues to devote a significant portion of americans' hard earned money exclusively to finding and destroying you for an entire decade, he will find you. #1 like terrorists give two shits if we find them. they want to be found, and then martyred for their cause. that is the whole problem with those nutcases. and #2, even i, a non-terrorist, would be tempted to commit some violent crimes against unnamed (although deserving) persons nearer the end of my life if i knew i had ten years of freedom before the authorities caught up with me. ugly ex-girlfriends and coldwell-banker property management, watch your back.
i am frustrated with the media's intensity and sensationalism of otherwise unnoteworthy events a la the current tally of tiger woods' mistresses and the idiots who voluntarily participated in a ridiculous sweat lodge ceremony while dehydrated and malnourished in their quest for spiritual strength and brett favre's (repeated) struggle with retirement. yesterday's breaking news also reeks of falsity and hopes of re-election. so i thought, if everyone else can do it, why not me? thus, aaron and i have decided that we are going to capture a terrorist this week. 
(i think it will be this guy: he has the longest name on the FBI's most wanted terrorist list at muhammad abdullah khalil hussain ar-rayayyal, and seems like a good choice as he has far eluded authorities for more than the 10-year window of safety obama has informed terrorists they can expect.) we will then hold a press conference, complete with claims of DNA identity confirmation and grainy photographic evidence of the offender a la the georgia big foot hoax. we will then announce that aaron's bike shop, sultana cycles, is personally responsible for the capture. and if you hate terrorism and/or love america, you will come purchase a bike to show your support. then we will have all we need to escape what is soon to be the third-world country: the US of A.
in sum, i <3 propaganda and brute force. that's how crimes against humanity happen. get there, america.
(i think it will be this guy: he has the longest name on the FBI's most wanted terrorist list at muhammad abdullah khalil hussain ar-rayayyal, and seems like a good choice as he has far eluded authorities for more than the 10-year window of safety obama has informed terrorists they can expect.) we will then hold a press conference, complete with claims of DNA identity confirmation and grainy photographic evidence of the offender a la the georgia big foot hoax. we will then announce that aaron's bike shop, sultana cycles, is personally responsible for the capture. and if you hate terrorism and/or love america, you will come purchase a bike to show your support. then we will have all we need to escape what is soon to be the third-world country: the US of A.in sum, i <3 propaganda and brute force. that's how crimes against humanity happen. get there, america.
p.s. big thank you to the onion, which has commemorated bin laden's death with all the glory and sarcasm it deserves, noting among other things the "terrific news" of the violent death of a human being, and reminding me that there is still hope.
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