Satan Claus In Santa Cruz

christmas is not the same when you're 3,000 miles from your momma, but spending it in santa cruz with my sister, fresh off the boat from new zealand, and hot mel was a fabulous substitute -- filled with cookie-baking, coloring books, shiny wrapping paper, impromptu photo shoots, a visit from satan claus the evil xmas demon, and many, many giggling fits and animated discussions re: marine organisms and our abysmal love lives while lined up in the bathroom to apply our mascara. truth be told i did not love california during my 12-hour drive through nothingness, but 6 days later, i'm sure i'll be back -- to update myself on the drama-filled life of my new sister (mel!), see the san francisco zoo (which was closed all week because of a fatal tiger mauling on xmas day) and stick my toes in the pacific.

after a somewhat disastrous day of travel (lost keys, lost voice, dead battery, sexually assaultive cab driver, raccoon eyes, etc.), i am back at work and to good news: 1> i will permanently set up camp in the trailer park of justice on monday. although this probably sounds mundane, the trailer park has a lot of character :) and it's close to the court and my favorite lithuanian security guard who feeds me donuts in the morning when i pass through the metal detector. and 2> i am no longer "in training" which has been a tedious process. i have more than enough wild paranoia to keep me on the straight-and-narrow, asking a zillion questions, and double/triple checking my work for a good long time without necessitating supervision.

which reminds me again why it's important that i take a vacation sometimes... i am an overachieving type-A lawyer who needs the occasional week of debauchery to keep the crazies at bay.

Notes From My 12-Year-Old Self

why did anyone ever think it was a good idea to give me a license to practice law? i'm standing here putting my brownies in the oven for the second time. because the first time i mixed them up and put them in the oven, i found a 1/4-cup of oil sitting on the counter. from where i had poured it out and NOT mixed it into my brownies as directed. of course, i had cleverly decided to make the brownies in fun holiday shapes of snowflakes and snowmen so it wasn't as easy as taking the pan out of the oven, mixing the oil in, and putting the pan back in. at kim's urging (from new zealand no less) i had to spoon a little bit of oil into each snowflake-shaped hole and mix it up individually. which is a little bit difficult given the rugged outline of a snowflake. i've already vowed not to try them tonight and plan to let my coworkers taste-test them tomorrow at the christmas party. if they're gross, it's not a total loss since i did get to eat 1/2 the batter (and oil-free too!)

speaking of my co-workers, they refer to me as "the 12-year-old." not quite accurate, but it probably seems that way because i am at least 5 years younger than anyone they know. and 20 years younger than the average age here in prescott. and also possibly because of my xmas photo. (unfortunately, you can't see my red plaid xmas shoes in the photo, but trust me, they were there.) santa was really glad to see me though, possibly because my hair looked AMAZING. also possibly because i didn't ask him for anything or because i was absolutely thrilled to take a cherry candy cane off his hands. anyway, i doubt anyone will be surprised by my brownie story tomorrow.

in other news:
1. i got my arizona driver's license this morning and it's good until 2047. this is a good 10 years after my last student loan payment is due !!! it was a surprisingly emotional event ... i feel like a real adult now, no longer domiciled at my parents' house, making it difficult to justify packing up and running back there any moment now.

2. i made my first official court appearance on monday. i have one case, which is frustrating to me for a couple reasons. a> my first client, a 16-year-old girl, is charged with 4 felony theft counts, is also facing charges in maricopa county, has been in detention for 2 weeks because her mother refuses to show up at a hearing, and is more concerned about her 22-year-old boyfriend's 15 charges than her own defense. b> even though my 1 case SOUNDS bad, it really wouldn't be so awful if i didn't have an insane amount of time to spend obsessing over it. c> because i only have 1 case, i am forced to shadow my fellow attorneys, which this week involved a trip to the one-room courthouse in seligman, AZ, perhaps the saddest and most destitute "town" i have ever visited, and an hour-long car-ride listening to a co-worker's monologue on her dog's diarrhea. and d> i am a genius and can handle anything that is thrown at me, including a title 36 petition for continued court-ordered psychiatric treatment, which i spent 3 full days on -- both reading the entire statute and researching my client's paranoid schizophrenia that makes him believe that his right eye is evil, which totally justifies his repeated attempts to gouge his right eye out whenever he misses his medication (which apparently is rather frequently) -- before it was transfered to another attorney.

*insert breath here*

and 3. I BOUGHT A CAR !! a picture is forthcoming (once i can get one where it's not covered in snow) but rest assured that you will not be getting a call from me that my car is making a funny noise, that parts have fallen out of it into the middle of the interstate, and/or that i am crying stranded on the side of such-and-such road and could you please please please come pick me up -- at least not for a couple years. tom's taxi service is officially out of business. woot.

It's A Small World After All

today i attended a seminar: coordinating support & rehabilitation services through the child and family team. absolutely thrilling, but preferable to further study of my juvenile law handbook. so mr. michael terkeltaub, purported expert on all things coordination, rehabilitation, etc., begins the morning by having us introduce ourselves. (which is annoying but secretly i like because i get to announce that i'm an attorney :)
hi, i'm kelley jancaitis, i work as an attorney for the juvenile division of the public defender's office in the verde valley.
he says: oh, i played ball with a tommy jancaitis. in norfolk? went to granby high school? played in the state championship game?
i've been a prescottonian for all of 2 days and i've already met someone who went to high school with my dad. plus this guy knows more about my dad than i do!

in fact, the world is so small, that my office in the trailer park of justice (picture forthcoming) is immediately adjacent to africa. actually, it's the out-of-africa wildlife park -- close enough. kennedy says that sometimes you'll just be sitting at your desk, looking out the window and a giraffe will walk by. but maybe it's also a secret time-warp into malawi and i can go visit matt on my lunch breaks.

and finally, in just a few short days, i have discovered cornbread at st. michael's that rivals that found at almost heaven BBQ in mineral, VA. a true piece of home right on historic whiskey row.

it's a small, small world.

No Class, No Style, No Social Skills, No Comprehension

the past few weeks, my first as a full-time employee, have left me in a state of shock. shocked at the lack of professionalism of my peers. and shocked that, as the queen of flip-flops, skull t-shirts and disheveled hair and the girl who is not afraid to send the occasional offensive word to the law school dean, i even care about professionalism.

yet here i am. an attorney. confronted by people who constantly disparage the lawyers, judges and law enforcement officers with whom they work most closely. who lack respect for the justice system as a whole. who can't open their mouth without severely offending someone's grandmother. and who fail to adhere to even the most basic aspects of professional dress. (not once, but twice this week, attorneys in my class have arrived in transparent white shirts and black bras. and crocs ... when did that become proper courtroom attire? apparently, the eyeful of bosom i got in week 1 of training was just a preview.)

i've heard people say that i don't handle authority well. not true. i can behave, i just often choose not to. for example, this week alone, i violated all rules of fashion when i gladly wore my paper burger-flipper hat from in-n-out across town. i wore my 3D glasses home from the movie theater. and i made my own t-shirt for the fall-out-boy concert (appropriately paired with heavy eyeliner and black lipstick). i even managed some outraged what-you-looking-at glares at the passersby who braved a second glance. but really, why sacrifice entertainment for conformity when all that's at risk is a little embarrassment when i realize that people are only staring because i look RIDICULOUS?

however, no one is relying on me to defend their constitutional rights when i do my grocery shopping in my best clemson sweatshirt and ASU sun devil horns. i don't have to convince a judge to release my client on bail when i go out for a drink after applying 14 layers of glitter eyeliner. i am not forging lifelong professional relationships with the clerk at the bass pro shops when i ask him to take a picture of me molesting a rubber chicken. and there is no rule 32 claim for ineffective assistance of counsel hanging over my head when i jump on the carousel in violation of the weight limit.

trust me people, if i can suck it up and put on a suit and heels every day, if i can bite my tongue at the incompetence of others, and if i can sacrifice "right now" for "the right time," anyone can. this is a job, not spring break.

p.s. thank you wheatus, for providing the inspiration for the title of this post.

Women Are From Omicron Persei 7

yes, that is a line from futurama. i'm awesome, i know.

now that i've started my first real job, my inspiration has bottomed out. i get up in the morning, blow out my hair, tuck my shirt in, put on eyeliner and heels, and go to my very own office. i run back and forth between the court, the jail, and the county attorney's office, looking serious and important and clutching my new bible: arizona juvenile law and practice. i have become mainstream. even though i feel like i'm from omicron persei 8, living 2400 miles away from all places i've ever called home (and have said goodbye to good ol' southern hospitality) and still the youngest person in the room (miraculously, since i continue to get older) and with no criminal law experience.... who ever thought it would come to this? i iron my clothes. i take a vitamin every day. i read the news while i eat my cheerios. what is there to say?

Public Defender, Day 2

my last two days of training at the public defender's office have been peppered with moments of panic.

the extremely-inappropriately-dressed/boobalicious attorney who talked to us yesterday was outraged at the statutes requiring mandatory jail time for fourth-time convictions... of prostitution, domestic violence, DUI.

you know, at some point, a person deserves to serve a few months in jail. possibly at the point which that person is convicted four times for the same crime. STOP BEATING YOUR WIFE.

thankfully, the presenters today were a little more encouraging. apparently, the PD's office is split into 2 camps. members of the 1st feel that their duty is to protect the client's civil liberties, i.e. keep them out of jail, at all costs. NOT inspiring. although i definitely believe in protecting my clients' constitutional rights, there is no constitutional right to avoid the penal system. especially if you did it.

those in the 2d try to do what's best for the client. this will be me. sometimes this means letting him stay in jail -- for example, when there's a high chance that releasing them from custody will just lead to another arrest or to give him a chance to sober up. sometimes this means doing a little extra digging and sticking your neck out on a long-shot motion. sometimes this means passing up a decent plea deal just so your client can satisfy some inner need to go down fighting. or pulling some strings so he doesn't have to admit his guilt in front of his mother.

so i feel a little bit better ... when i'm not worried about the fact that my clients' futures rest in the hands of someone with zero trial experience and only a very basic knowledge of criminal law, at least i have a chance to do something worthwhile with this degree...

Masochism

today i hiked 7 summits in phoenix totalling 22.5 miles and 6000 vertical feet on 4-1/2 hours of sleep. and 11.25 of those miles were uphill. it is one of the most miserable things i've ever put myself through. in fact, the only point at which i felt like i may NOT be a complete lunatic was when the mountainbikers zoomed by me down that incline on a dirt path about 2 feet wide. on my 4th hike, i decided i'd had enough. and although i acknowledged that i had nothing to prove to anyone, instead of packing it in for the day and heading home for a nap and some sunday afternoon nostradamus-history-channel-special, i decided i just needed to move faster. the faster i got to the top, the sooner i could start back down. the faster i made it down, the sooner i could make it to the next trailhead. and the faster i finished all 7, the sooner i could go home to a shower and perfume and pink sheets and advil. contrary to popular (aka huy's) belief, it had nothing to do with feeling accomplished. i wanted to go home. and, as with most things, i wanted it NOW.


i felt like lewis & clark. or any other explorer that spent a lot of grueling time on the trail moving quickly before winter set in or something. more like oregon trail i suppose. except without the benefit of oxen or any refreshing rivers to ford. but anyway, from now on, i'll stick to leisurely day hikes where i can enjoy the scenery and the weather. and can move my legs the next day.


huy accompanied me to the celebratory dinner at the phoenix zoo where, as usual, i was on my best behavior.

Elton G. White, My Hero

i absolutely love to read the local paper from my hometown. the central virginian serves louisa and fluvanna counties. it comes out once a week, on thursdays, and contains about 20 pages of vital information -- notices for the weekend's fundraising pancake breakfasts, scores from high school sports, instructions on how to maximize your fall fertilizing efforts and the day-to-day social calendar of mrs. kermit martin. at home, i read this paper front to back the minute it arrives, including the legal notices (which have some relevance now that i've graduated law school), the church bulletins, and the public interest stories on local llama farms. lucky me, my mom got me a subscription ! that i receive in tempe about 10 days late, but attack with the same fervor.

my absolute favorite part of the paper: the editorials. i am always either appalled or amazed at the opinions in my simple, country town... an interesting mixture of ignorance and insight that i never quite expect. right now, the county is knee deep in rabid debates over a disbarred (for lack of a better term) pee-wee football coach, funding issues for a potential new elementary school, and the best -- local elections.

if politics is dirty, local politics is mud wrestling to the death in your own backyard. the first election i ever voted in, the sheriff won by 8 votes. an early, cozy lesson in every-vote-counts. i'll admit to some apathy in presidential elections (evident by my vote for ralph nader -- an incredible person with unbelievably long fingers -- in 2004 and virtually unknown and now deceased libertarian candidate harry browne in 2000). but i cannot afford to make an uninformed decision in local politics ... this is someone i will have to hear about at least once a week every week, on fridays when the CV is delivered. or more specifically for me, 10 days after that friday.

so the point is that i am impressed with the level of attention being paid to the local elections in my hometown, and appreciate the importance of weighing a commonwealth attorney interested in social rehabilitation versus one interested in cracking down on crime in a small community. but in the true spirit of kelley, i find humor in this advocacy. elton g. white of louisa writes:

[the encumbent commonwealth attorney] has turned his office into a super wal-mart with good deals and rollback sentencing. . . . i have always heard that a dog was man's best friend. i cannot attest to the validity of that cliche, but i can say, without a doubt, that [the encumbent] is a criminal's best friend.

now those is some fightin' words... and so eloquently put in the most redneck of terms: discount shopping and hunting dogs.

The Price of Youth

oh how i long for the days of last week... when i was blissfully unemployed (even with the threat of destitution looming over my head when my loans come due next month) and the most pressing decision i had to make was what the heck i need to add to my flourescent yellow striped caftan to make a kick-ass halloween costume. FYI i'm still in the process of acquiring a crown, pink eyelashes, and a big lollipop scepter to complete my transformation into princess lolly from candyland.

i have since been offered a job that sounds fulfilling -- representing kids in dependency and delinquency matters -- with people whose company i truly enjoy, but requires relocation to the retirement capital of AZ. i have until thursday to balance the obvious pros of employment and saving the world (even if in the smallest of increments) against living somewhere that, while beautiful, my (fleeting) youth singlehandedly lowers the average age a couple points and where no doubt i will have to petition for a seperate check-writing lane at the grocery store.

my parents love to say, "i'll tell you what i think and then you can go ahead and do what you want anyway." while i certainly plan to go ahead and do what i want anyway, i only decide what i want after painstaking analysis and fact-gathering. (oftentimes this involves making an excel spreadsheet.) i am the worst at making decisions -- especially important ones that involve leaving behind my fabulous roommate, a mild winter, and the birthplace of kiltlifter. but even seemingly-mundane day-to-day life choices -- like which big tacky necklace best accentuates this outfit, whether i really NEED to take a shower today and have to deal with being all wet once i get out, or whether a pink bike with streamers is better than a red one with flames -- can sometimes be overwhelming.

if it ever appears that i am making a decision at the spur of the moment, it is only because my thought process is so advanced that i can run through and weigh an exhaustive list of pros and cons at near the speed of light. oftentimes a quick decision involves the very big consideration of who cares either way. even though i want to make a perfectly informed decision the first go-round, it's comforting to know that i can always go back. back to the unemployment line. back to my parents' houses. back to planning my day around when jeopardy airs on network TV. and all with the benefit of a little experience and, hopefully, only a few more gray hairs.

in other news, i got the best haircut of my life at earl's school of beauty. i'm as shocked as anybody. and heidi (my unnaturally cheerful 18-year-old stylist-and-BFF-in-training) informed me that i could come by anytime i had a hot date (sure to happen as soon as someone sees this new haircut) and she'd blow it out for me, since i don't have enough arms/hands/coordination to do it myself. now i have the option to look like a real adult instead of some wild hippie. woot.

Ode To Karrot

i have always felt really terrible for only children. although i can't say (with a straight face anyway) that i have always gotten along with my sisters, they have always been around. and usually, conveniently, when i need them. to entertain me. to offer advice. to get me a glass of water when i am, conveniently, not the closest one to the fridge. and to remind me that yes, i am as badass in real life as i am in my head.

my baby sister turned 21 today !! usually an event like this makes me feel old, but in this case, i have managed to remove myself from the center of the universe for a brief moment, and am excited for her to grow up. in honor of these 2 momentous occurrences, i will memorialize karrie on the internet with a list of some of the many reasons she is awesome.

#1. karrie is orange and she doesn't even care. i'm not even kidding. every time i saw her this summer, i suspected she had overdosed on the self-tanner. she had a lot of color and i knew it wasn't because she spent so much time outside OR from the fluorescent lights at the gym. then my mom told me a story about how when kim was a baby she ate so many sweet potatoes that her hands and feet turned orange. EUREKA !!! it wasn't self-tanner, it was CARROTS. karrie eats about 5 lbs. of carrots a week. and she dips them in her all-natural sugar-less peanut butter with added flax. (this stuff, i will not touch with a 10-foot pole.) along with a vitamin, a few cantoloupes and some sweet potatoes, karrie is a walking beta carotene MACHINE. and it ain't easy being orange.

#2. karrie makes out with her big, goofy dog. gross, but ballsy. i've seen layla eat other dog's poo more often than her own dogfood.

#3. karrie has a 'tude. a big, fat if-you-can't-handle-me- you-can-kiss-my-ass- and-don't-let-the-door- hit-your-fluffy-dog-on- the-way-out attitude.

karrie on men:

i can't stand people who don't stand up for themselves. "whatever you want..." have a damn opinion. i can do whatever i want alone, thank you.

#4. karrie has conviction. it can't be easy for anyone to eat carrots and flax butter when someone else is sitting a mere 3 feet away eating a stack of pumpkin pancakes covered in whipped cream or her 3d bowl of ice cream of the day. and it must be even less easy when that 2d person is the 1st person's sister, and between every bite the 2d person makes a throw-up face :O~ at the 1st person's lunch. yet, karrie does this and manages to look reasonably convinced that she doesn't even want any ice cream. and even though she is backing off the raw food diet and riding the ice cream bandwagon again, the point is that when karrie convinces herself of something, no amount of heckling (even from my dad) can change her mind.

#5. karrie uses the nose bulb !! and helps babies and old people and trauma victims. and me when a bout of hypochondria strikes. she's going to be a great nurse that i can and will brag to all of my friends about.

... karrie can drive a stick shift. she understands football. she can burp louder than any boy i've ever met. she gets mad when i call her during jeopardy. and yet she still understands and upholds the #1 tenet of kelley: it's important to be cute at all times.

so, happy birthday karrot !! keep kicking ass in your 21st year :D

There's Something In These Hills...

this weekend had the potential to be HUGE: my first PAC-10 football game. i hate the PAC-10; i think they're seriously overrated and if you want to see some real football, head to a state full of good, farm-raised country boys, preferably in the southeast. (it's not that the teams aren't good. they're just not that good.) but i was ready to cheer in my sun devil horns and inspired by the smack talk displayed on the way to the stadium: the only thing husky about washington is their women.

but ASU football sucks. not the team -- the experience. although restraint is not one of my stronger virtues, i exercised a monumental amount of it at the washington-ASU game this weekend. i cannot tell you how many times i bit back the words "at a clemson football game..." in only 60 minutes of regulation play. probably about 1 time per play. minus the # of plays that occurred while i was mesmerized by the fans in the student section batting around a naked, inflatable woman.

for example, at a clemson football game, the fans wait until the ref makes a terrible call before they start chanting bullshit, instead of starting the chorus the second a yellow flag appears. but then again, at a clemson football game, the fans actually pay attention to the game. of course, clemson fans are not constantly distracted by the girl sitting in front of them whose butt crack is hanging out of her dress, homemade from an old ASU t-shirt.

at a clemson football game, we don't boo the other team the second they step onto the field. i'm not saying there's no booing. but we wait until someone deserves it -- keeping a sharp eye on the field while clapping politely as our opponent is introduced. there's no sense booing a team that you're going to embarrass in a 44-20 ass-kicking before they can even make a play!

at a clemson football game, the tiger who does push-ups when we score actually does push-ups. sparky the sun devil would not pass any presidential physical fitness tests... even the girl version. and having been practicing push-ups ALL summer, i am even less impressed with his mediocre effort.

at a clemson football game, the fans never stop cheering. anyone can cheer after the quarterback rushes 30 yards for a touchdown or after the blocked field goal kick. death valley comes in 2 varieties: loud and louder. in contrast, ASU fans only make noise in the form of OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH in an attempt to intimidate the other team. actual words are used only to talk shit. noticeably absent is any form of cheering, such as "go devils." people will actually shush you for making noise at a point where ASU needs to make a big play! i'm sure the players on the field are really inspired by deadpan silence in their moment of need.

so the game went something like this: washington is on offense and they're in the huddle. an ooooh starts up. washington lines up on the field. the OOOOOOH gets louder. washington snaps the ball, at which point all obligation to make any noise stops. the play ends. then the fans snap back into action with great commentary like "fuck you rudy [the quarterback]" (completely ignoring the beating he took in the previous play rushing for the 1st down) or "your momma's a slut #31." awesome.

on a positive note: at least the student section showed some signs of life (while the entire rest of the stadium sat stone still). huy was great company, double-high-fiving our obnoxious neighbors vehemently after every score. the band was actually really good -- who knew seven nation army could be a football song. and i admit i got a good laugh at the naked inflatable woman.

i have a love-hate relationship with clemson football. it drives me crazy, but i can't live without it. i can feel it in my gut -- the big wins and the devastating losses -- an irrational passionate love affair that i will never get over. i saw no emotion in ASU football. if blood runs at all in sun devil stadium, it certainly isn't gold.


all teams can't compare their collective tailgating to a trip to the county fair where even the rival team is offered BBQ at every tent. all teams can't fit 80,000+ orange-clad fans in their stadium. all teams can't have the most exciting 25 seconds in college football. but my team does.

C-L-E-M-S-O-N T-I-G-E-RRRRRRRRRRR-S!! fight tigers, fight tigers, fight, fight, FIGHT!

there's something in these hills and from them we have drawn the power to transcend the stresses and strains that tug away to make things come unglued in these disquieting times, the power to cut through such modern concepts - and such modern facts - as generation gaps, communication gaps and ideological gaps.

{joe sherman, clemson university class of '34}

Happy October !

so, with the exception of clemson's crushing loss on saturday (but with almost 400 passing yards against VT, i'm still a fan of the slightly-weird-looking cullen harper), i had a really excellent weekend. the first half was octoberfest, where huy, darien and i sampled beers from around the world. side note: i do not recommend you visit the czech republic for the beer. and what, you may wonder, could make this day better? 1. beautiful sunshine, a constant & welcome presence here in AZ. and 2. a LOT of chocolate covered things -- strawberries, apples, cheesecakes, etc. here is a picture of me enjoying all the fine things in life.

the second half was the pumpkin patch. halloween is my favorite holiday (this month anyway ... there's so many great reasons/ways to celebrate and so much great holiday candy it's hard to narrow it down) and huy promised long ago that we would carve pumpkins and impress all our neighbors with our sure-to-be masterpieces. so we headed out to the pumpkin & chili festival at schnepf farm in queen creek, AZ to celebrate the joy of the pumpkin patch. this was a perfect opportunity to share some of my white, southern country heritage.

we didn't actually get any pumpkins, since as far as i could tell, they didn't even grow their own, just bought them at wal-mart and dumped them on a flattened patch of string beans, BUT we did: ride an antique carousel, get lost in a corn maze, eat cornbread & pumpkin pie, ride the haunted train, scoot down a big slide, and scored front-row seats to hillbilly bob's piggy races. huy volunteered to act as liason between H.B. and the pink goat in the final race, but wasn't able to inspire pinky to actually RUN when there were perfectly good rocks to eat in the middle of the track. huy also enjoyed his first hayride (his excuse: i'm from california; we don't have hay there) and suffered his first ass-kicking from me on the mini-golf course. thanks dad for starting me out early on how to hold a putter.

it wasn't all fun & games though: i almost got my hair caught on fire about 5 times by some little kids who obviously had never roasted a marshmallow or held a stick before. i dislocated my neck racing around the country road rally. and huy destroyed me in the pumpkin-launching contest. check out his awesome technique.

still, all in all, a great day -- ridiculously cheesy, but managed to entertain us for many many hours.... the joys of being easily amused. i've posted photos of the rest of our adventures for yoru enjoyment. :)

Laying Pipe

and i want to be a landscaper.

not even the creative designing part, but the actual dirty, sweaty, physical labor of turning overgrown lawns into private paradises. i want to be outside, smelling freshly cut grass, in the weather with the bees and butterflies, where i can watch each flower bloom and leaf change.

unfortunately ... 1. the competition for manual labor is stiff out here in the southwest. i can't imagine that standing on the corner with the illegals would work out in my favor. nor can i imagine some creative landscape designer is going to pick the prissy white girl with the law degree as a prized employee. 2. i have the pressure of three years' worth of graduate school debt coming due in a couple of months, not to mention the years and years worth of free services, legal & otherwise, i owe to my parents for keeping me healthy, sane, and in a moving vehicle throughout law school.

maybe it's because i'm a country girl that i appreciate an honest day's work more than the average person. the greatest reward for your time is having something to show for it at the end of the day ... like a sore back, a knee-high pile of weeds, and pretty flowers that can breathe easily again. spending hours searching for and scanning statutes and cases, although necessary to formulate and analyze legal arguments, does not leave you with that same sense of accomplishment. and all you have to show ... a handful of papers, fingers fluorescing with highlighter stains, and a stabbing pain right behind the eyes.

it has been said that writing is manual labor of the mind: a job -- like laying pipe. spoken like a writer if you ask me. still, it's time to take a hint from john gregory dunne and give my education a chance: thinking is work. it's just been so long since i stopped doing it ... that i've forgotten how difficult it can be -- how many long, flat runs i've spent perfecting it. that a lot of people are incapable of it beyond the most basic level. and what a valuable commodity it is.

and if it doesn't work out, i'll give you a deal if you let me mow your lawn.

Not In Kansas Anymore

it's good to know that although i have left the dirty south in a fresh coat of dust, i can get my own dose of the country with a short trip to mesa riverview, home to cracker barrel (where huy enjoyed his first real country food -- chicken-fried chicken, collard greens, fried okra and REAL butter!) and the bass pro shop outdoor world... complete with an array of taxidermied animals, shooting range (i'm such a good teacher ... look at huy 's skills) and full blaze-orange-on-camouflage wardrobe (perfect for hiding in racks of camouflage clothing).

in between watching random horror flicks (bordello of blood, anyone?), huy and i are currently brainstorming what we are going to do when i win the $25,000 bass pro shops shopping spree sweepstakes. should we get a speedboat or a pair of camou ATVs?

i made the mistake of sharing my blog with a boy. now he expects me to give him a cute code name and spread the details of his life across the internet. but let's be honest (surprise!): i'd hate for this, the literary masterpiece of my life, to turn into a sleazy dating column. and anyway, boys as a group just aren't that interesting -- although they do become significantly more entertaining under the pressure of interacting with me. and if i found one that was, i wouldn't tell it to the WHOLE INTERNET.

i think anne taintor got it right this time ...

Menace To Society

so yesterday when i mentioned to huy that i had a date, he said something along the lines of THANK GOD. followed with:

any guy willing to take you out is a winner in my book. he's like a wingman to all of society. taking you off the market so the rest of us can get the good ones. mighty mighty wingman. taking one for the team so your buddy can live the dream.

WOW. the whole male race needs a sacrificial wingman to protect themselves from me. in that case...

dear men:
i require a tall, brown-eyed boy with several advanced degrees, passion for an obscure hobby, and an amazing sense of humor.
someone who thinks it's hott that i have an immense vocabulary, can't stifle a laugh, care more about college football than fashion, and sometimes forego a shower and just jump in the pool to disinfect myself instead.
deliver this to me, and the rest of you are off the hook.
<3 evil overlord kelley

despite all of my apparently obvious flaws, i am a damn good receptionist. it's probably the most hilarious job i've ever had... kelley in heels and mascara next to the switchboard repeating "good morning, PMCS, how may i direct your call?" over and over again. the people who call are amazingly ignorant. i have had to explain to several irate callers that although the sun may be high in the sky on the east coast, this is pacific time. don't be upset that someone isn't waiting at their desk for your call before 7AM. and when the boss' wife -- who apparently is quite a character -- called yesterday, i had to ask her to repeat herself after jerking the phone away from my ear in an attempt to avoid severe hearing loss from her 150+ decibel screech. when i asked her to hold please i heard her say "who the hell do they have answering the phones over there?" let's face it -- customer service (aka: taking crap from people) is not my forté. so its funny to pretend.

inbetween calls -- because the phone rings non-stop for about 5 minutes of every hour and then goes dead -- i troll the internet. so far, i have caught up on all my college football news (FYI -- clemson's QB cullen harper is 1 of only 6 of the top 100 nationally-ranked QBs that has not yet thrown an interception. i love clemson, but am smart enough not to get my hopes up that we'll win the poll), attempted to research potential 2008 presidential candidates (still hopelessly deadlocked, but confusion is better than apathy), and immersed myself in a century's worth of obscure urban legends & conspiracy theories (for example, in 1999, diazien hossencofft used tales of reptilian overlords, youth serums, a cure for cancer, cat people, and goverment-engineered superkids to persuade his girlfriends to give him money. then he talked his main girlfriend into murdering and eating his ex-wife. not surprisingly, diazien has a big curly mullet). i actually have to read PMCS off of the phone every time it rings because i forget where i am.

First Impressions

i think when you get to be a certain age -- like 25 -- you stop meeting so many new people all the time and you forget how you come across to them. then when you're back in a new place meeting new people once again, phrases like "emotionally crippled" start to creep themselves accusatorily into conversations with the roommate you've known for 3 days. i prefer the term "private." my bartender at friday happy hour told me he'd never seen a girl that was more fanatical about college football. fanatical is a pretty strong word (defined: possessed with excessive, irrational zeal; rabid) -- what's wrong with "spirited"?!? i even had a boy whisper in my ear conspiratorily, "you know, you're kind of a bitch." that's a tough one to argue. but as my own attorney, i'd separate "bitchy" out into some more flattering adjectives like honest, loyal, confident, bold, realistic, resolute ...

of course i laughed at these descriptions of myself. partly out of respect for someone who calls it like they see it. but mostly because they're true -- they're just not dressed up the way i like and the way i'm used to hearing them.

in other news, i spent the morning hiking around pinnacle peak in scottsdale. as i should have expected, the weather was unbelievably gorgeous. yep, just me and the stepford wives getting some fresh air. i didn't really fit in with all those blonds in their perfect mascara and coordinated workout dubs -- 1/2 trophy wives jogging along with their not-so-perfectly tanned asses hanging out the back of little bitty shorts (enough so that it was clear that the rays of the tanning bed did not reach the crease where their butt and thighs meet), and 1/2 volvo-driving soccer moms, hoofing it with distressed-looking kids strapped into complicated harnesses on their backs and fronts and making playdates on their cell phones half-way along the trail. and i didn't even brush my hair or tie my shoe laces before i raced out of the house at 6:30 AM to beat the heat and the traffic on the 101. i guess i didn't realize i needed to impress the trails & cactuses & big blue sky...

Call Me Fatass

here's a picture of my new home from its highest peak: camelback mountain.phoenix may just be a big ugly city, but it is surrounded by mountains and even has some random ones in the middle. and this one kicked my ass.

i will never make the mistake of thinking i'm in pretty good shape ever again. i mean, i'm not anthony famiglietti (although he is my super-secret boyfriend), but i run a lot, i like it, and i can do it (slowly) for a very long time. last time i went to the doctor, my pulse was 50, which means that my heart is nice and strong. i read in my tour book that lots of local people run up and down camelback. i wasn't going to run it (i'm too klutzy, plus i already did 4 miles this AM) but to me, that meant it couldn't be that bad. INCORRECT.

if there is a thin line between hiking and rock climbing, i witnessed it today. the trail was an almost vertical pile of rocks. some places even had hand railings and chain-link fences to keep you from teetering over the edge. there were tons of people out there though despite the strenuous terrain, and i did see many of them running. i stopped to let one guy go past and noticed he had a thermometer, the kind that you stick in your ear, attached to his pack. i guess so he can know instantly if he's overheating. another guy passed me while i was on the way down -- he continued to the top, turned around and passed me again while i was still going down, then went up again and passed me for a third time while i was still going down. he goes up and down at least 3 or 4 times a day.

BUT the weather was gorgeous -- sunny & blue skies -- i made the 2 1/2 mile round trip in a couple hours and am now attempting to never use my legs again. at least until next week -- maybe i'll make camelback a weekly challenge until i can do it back-to-back 5 or 6 times. although, it looks more like a camel laying on his back, wishing he were dead/at the all-you-can-eat ice cream parlor to me. which is how i feel right now, only less majestic.

and in other news, on my drive home, a real live tumbleweed rolled into the road in front of me. i actually said outloud: "are you f-ing kidding me?" i'm not sure i even believed tumbleweeds existed, let alone that they could disrupt traffic. is it safe to hit those things in your car? i was a real tourist and slowed down and gave it a good stare down, wishing i had my camera in my hand as i drove around it.

PB + J = <3

i have the greatest roommate. so far, 90% of our conversations have revolved around the fact that i am white and think a peanut butter sandwich is a perfectly acceptable dinner. secretly, i know huy (pronounced hweee, i think -- i'm not very good at saying in without raising my voice an octave) loves my pink heart sandwich cutter. and he is also in love with my bright pink dishes and plastic animal-shaped silverware. side note: unfortunately, noticeably absent from these photos is my plastic skull mug that is a perfect accessory to heart-shaped dinner. a picture is forthcoming. and thanks kim.

if huy's not scared off by my first night here, i don't think i'll be getting my written notice to vacate anytime soon. first, we watched a special on conjoined twins on the national geographic channel and i was NOT very sympathetic or understanding or polite or any positive adjective regarding their plight. especially the two 45-year-old women who were connected at the forehead. the leg-less one sat on a stool, while the big fat one pushed her around. and the fat one destroyed their collective cholesterol with her bad habits but always got to face the table whenever they were eating.

then, about a half-hour after i finally dragged my zombie-ed ass to bed, i had a dream that my mom was backing over me with an 18-wheeler ... which caused me to scream at the top of my lungs. huy was pretty understanding that his new roommate might be a psycho with disturbing dreams where family members attempt to kill her -- and he thought i'd just fallen out of bed haha.

other great things about huy: he rewired his whole car. (twice because he messed up the first time. :) the only decoration in the living room is a spiderman pillow. he doesn't mind taking pictures of me cutting my peanut butter sandwich into hearts. he has helped expand my vocabulary to include phrases like ghost riding the whip. and he is a clemson football fan ! although i'm not sure he realizes this yet.

next week i start a temporary job as a receptionist -- that's 7 years higher education put to good use -- while i continue looking for a job. yippy. obviously i have some untapped skills -- i can type 100+ word per minute with 0 mistakes. however, i performed miserably on a test of microsoft word.

Approximately 2211.3 Miles Later

i'm happy to be welcomed into the greatest state ever but exhausted from my 36-hour straight, flat ride over middle america.
driving across the country is often portrayed as an adventurous, life-altering activity. however, i can tell you there is nothing glamorous about arkansas. and nothing much going on anywhere else on interstate 40... there weren't even any giant roadside attractions to tempt me off the beaten path.

BUT i did enjoy some of the signs. in texas, i was reminded to drive friendly, and in new mexico, i was warned that gusty winds may exist. an interesting choice of words...
also i saw my first truck-O-mat in tennessee which still makes me laugh. lots of truck washes on 40, but only one truck-O-mat.

and FYI: nashville smells like mothballs. i don't have an unusually acute sense of smell, but i do have a strong smell-association complex. a well-tuned smell-memory. one of our hall closets at home had mothballs in it and still stinks even though mom threw them out ages ago. i HATE the smell and hold my breath anytime i have to open the door to get a new roll of toilet paper. i can understand why moths are turned off by them. also, oklahoma city smells like a rice box. (you know, like a sandbox with rice in it instead. we had one when i was in kindergarden.) weird.

T Minus 3 Days

it's almost time to hit the road ... only three days till my 32 hour drive to arizona begins! at least 25 of those hours will be spent on the same road -- I-40 -- which stretches all the way from knoxville, TN to flagstaff. i'll be passing over the smoky mountains while the leaves are changing and through 3 new states i've never seen -- arkansas, oklahoma, and new mexico -- all of which i'm sure offer beautiful, entertaining views from I-40. at least it will be easy to garnish up some frustration, the better to belt out 32 hours of punk ballads with. i'm criming my sister's car while she travels to australia and new zealand (as tara said: very piratey) which is covered in hippie bumper stickers. i've actually approached her car to find strangers standing behind it, reading the stickers for entertainment while sipping coffee or eating ice cream cones.

BUT she did let me remove the michigan sticker -- no self-respecting southern college football fan could allow that, especially after their recent (& deserved) ass-kickings. this was after i emptied it of all the science books, plastic beads, sticks with sentimental value, and purple rubber gloves. who knows.

i hate packing, so usually i wait until the last moment and throw everything i like into a bag while i'm combing my hair on the way out the door. because of this, i usually end up with a bag full of fun clothes that clash miserably and just wear my sister's sweatpants. however, i am doing a little bit of planning ahead -- i've already started packing things and i still have 3 days !! (more a product of my unemployment than any type of burning initiative) -- and its kind of a fun game to see just how much you can smash into a small space. side note: when i start complaining that i somehow made it to arizona with only a small fraction of my bikini collection, remind me that the rest of it is tucked into the open spaces of my spongebobopoly game.

Speranza Ti Adoro

sadly, italian tenor, luciano pavarotti, died this week. during my final year of undergrad, when punk began to hit a little too close to home, i discovered pavarotti's ti adoro in a tiny used bookstore, and i bought the last copy right out of the store's CD player. the fact that the lyrics are essentially meaningless to me (having studied russian in college and a few words of spanish in high school) makes the album all-the-more enjoyable -- no sloppy words to interfere with his amazing voice.

also sadly, i received this news during my morning commute while listening to the howard stern show. (maybe not the most reliable news source, but the things worth noting always seem to earn comment on the show.) according to howard, during the first 6 years of pavarotti's training, he stunk. read: he performed poorly at small, unsuccessful shows in rinky-dink towns for 6 years. when he developed some problem with his vocal cords, he decided to give it up. however, after this point when there was no pressure to perform, or perform well, his problem completely went away and he became an opera superstar.

then robin claimed that the same is true for her -- she's a really awesome singer in the shower, but not in front of people. howard proved at least the second half of robin's story by playing an old karoake tape of her singing sheryl crow's if it makes you happy. then he launched into his own rendition of italian opera, which was very memorable. needless to say, the moment of awe -- that pavarotti, and the world, may have missed out on something amazing had he not failed and given up -- passed quickly. but it's a lesson i will keep in the back of my mind as i move on to something new.

RIP pavarotti.

Out Of The Bat Cave

who is the REAL batman?!? it's hard to tell which of us is more ferocious since andrew and i are both eating strawberries & whipped cream out of plastic teletubby bowls on a bright red table that comes about halfway up my shins. you can't even see the chair i'm sitting in ... either because it's so tiny or because of my hulking muscles -- your guess.

unfortunately, this batman (the one on the right) is flying the coop and heading back to arizona the middle of this month. i've procured a car, an awesome roommate, and an apartment in tempe, and have big ambitions to join the grocery workers' union. who knew there was such a thing? look out food dog. i'm confident andrew will keep up the cave while i'm gone though, as he is in a perpetual state of muscle-flexing.

in preparation for my departure, i've spent the better part of my free time sorting through things, trying to downsize my life into a single carload. it's a good exercise for me since i have a lot of unnecessary things (a result of the therapeutic value of the retail environment). but really, how many shades of hot pink nail polish does one girl need? FYI -- i made a lot of tough decisions, but managed to decimate my collection to about 10 pinks and 3 reds.

also amazing is the number of articles of clothing i have held onto in case i need them for a halloween costume. like a yellow tutu. says a little bit about my fashion sense. although my sister will attest to my improvement since high school, when a typical outfit was head-to-toe thrift store polyester plaid. every day could have been halloween back then :) equally amusing are the things i refuse to part with -- my skull barrettes, homestar runner action figures, fake eyelashes & eyelash glue, and spongebobopoly. you never know when these things will come in handy as a young professional in a new city.

and in the event of cold feet (yeah right), i am reminded of a song i often listen to in the bubble bath:

my brain's repeating

if you've got an impulse let it out

but they never make it past my mouth

... this is the sound of settling

{death cab for cutie}

KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII -- YA !!

that is the sound of ten+ 4-year-olds at karate class -- the highlight of my week. i have never seen so many high-fives in my life, and i've been trying to revive the high-five (along with the word SIKE) for years.

i love this kid -- he has the best imagination. after dinner, andrew told me to get on the horse because i was a cowboy, and being the rational adult that i am, i had to ask where exactly was this horse he spoke of. then all of the sudden, there i was on a horse! AKA: sitting on the floor, handcuffed to andrew under a sleeping bag and waving a tennis racket above my head like a lasso. side note: all fun until someone gets hit in the face (me). alas, a small price to pay for the joy of being aunt kelley.

AND he knows all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles by name -- and raphael, the angry badass with the big attitude problem is his favorite, just like me. andrew probably likes him because he wears red, but this is irrelevant. AND he humors me by making great hand-noise metal signs, complete with tongue-sticking-out goodness. ... then he goes back to being spiderman and shoots webs at me -- i guess i got the apartment! so its still a good day.

i am fascinated by children. they are so SMALL, but have such a good grasp on life -- easily amused, cry when they're hungry, tired, or hurt, and get over the rest. and every movement is an accomplishment. just tickle a baby and see if you don't have a really great day afterward. although i could probably change a diaper (heidi's never made me try :), i don't know what i would do if a kid sneezed on me. or i had to use one of those giant nose bulb things -- a "nasal aspirator." it's like sucking boogers up a straw. gross gross gross. aunt kelley does not do snot. this is a huge barrier to having kids of my own -- my baby would get a cold, i'd be too grossed out to clear his nose, and he'd talk like pee-wee herman for the rest of his life. no thanks.

p.s. if it's been more than 5 years since you last read dr. suess' fox in sox, i strongly encourage you to pick up a copy and read it outloud. prior to andrew's bedtime story, i felt i had a good grasp on speaking english and enunciating properly. i am no longer so sure .... especially once i got through the tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

Rev Your Engines

when i was in college, i loved to do nothing. doing nothing is not as empty and pointless as it seems, and encompasses activities like watching law & order reruns or the princess bride for the 427th time on TNT, going to a baseball game only as an excuse to get outside and enjoy the weather, organizing your underwear drawer, painting your toenails, and reading the latest news on fark. activities that allow your brain to function at just a step above idle. when i was in law school, the moments of nothing-doing were few and far between. like watching some incredible knockout in mixed martial arts fighting on youtube with rob in the law review office following our resolution of some crisis. or playing pirates' dice with mandy and christopher after mucking our way through 3d and 4th grade social studies homework.


in contrast, every single person i met in arizona was running at a low RPM. other travelers, retirees, and vacationers, of course. but also intelligent, educated people who passed up or postponed lucrative careers to do something they enjoy or to maximize their nothing-doing time. people with real jobs who constantly and casually remarked "i can't believe i'm paid to do this." even the people i met at breakfast before taking the bar, although alert and prepared, were not stressed or frantic or even anxious. this is what i expected, and actually, what i was hoping for, when i chose to head out west.


but for weeks i have wondered -- do i have it in me to relax? while other people take time off after undergrad to figure out what they want to do with their life by backpacking through europe or working a pointless job to finance their experimental drug use, i went to law school. actually, i didn't know what to do with my life so i kicked ass in law school, worked 3 jobs, managed the law review, and ran competitively, all without missing a clemson football game. i know i can go go go at 100 mph (at least until futurama comes on), but could i sustain life as a sunday driver? it was perfect while i was on vacation to do exactly what i wanted at all times, but the day i returned, i went right back to waking up at 6AM for a morning run. the question lingers now that i truly have time to do a lot of nothing. my mom asks what i did today. well mom, today i drove to petsmart to exchange the 19 unfortunate goldfish that died mysteriously in the fountain out back (but were artfully preserved in the freezer) and attempted to nurse the 5 feeble survivors back to health.


....can i be content with this answer?

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

well, an uneventful plane-ride-across-the-country later, i am home again. i love arizona and am racking my brain for a way to get back there as soon as possible. no flashes of inspiration yet. in the meantime, i am partaking in 2 of my least favorite activities of all time -- unpacking and writing cover letters. my mom asked me why the pile of stuff i dropped in the living room had gotten bigger instead of smaller while i was unpacking. i told her it was like a blackhole -- it has to expand before it implodes on itself. i'm not sure if that's true, but i think i saw it in star wars once.

BUT it's not all bad being home -- mom even made sure the house was stocked with our 4 basic food groups: milk, cheese, ice cream & pizza. you can compare this with my dad's 4 food groups: meat, salt, grease & beer. he recently reminded me that neither of us look like we eat the way we do, which is a blessing for everyone involved. (but see karrie's 4 food groups: yogurt, kashi, flax butter & carrots. we don't look like we eat like her either...) im back on a running schedule. (thank you prof. abate for your unrelenting expectations.) i only ran once the entire time i was gone -- and that was to walgreen's because i needed some eyeliner. and i've decided to publish my article on legal responses to sea level rise in the environs environmental law & policy journal at UC-davis -- a 1st tier law school!

i had also forgotten how nice it is to wear a miniskirt and smell like flowers, so i'm making up for lost time while i contemplate another least favorite task -- figuring out what to do next. although, post-vacation, i am less convinced of the prudence of doing so.

Spiritual Healing

my last couple days in arizona were pretty low-key, mostly because i no longer had full function of my legs. i attempted a hike in sedona, but it started sprinkling and i was having no more wet underwear adventures. i took a jeep tour instead, and the sun came out. the area has an amazing backdrop of giant red rock formations. it almost looks like a painted set. i can't imagine living in sedona with that in my backyard.

i took the mystical vortex tour and learned all about how the electromagnetic field created by the spinning of the earth's core emanates from the surface more strongly at fault lines. when these fault lines cross, a vortex, or energy center, is created. apparently these exist all over the world -- machu picchu is one and so is new york city -- people just don't notice because they are generally disconnected from the earth these days because they don't go outside, and when they do, there is a layer of concrete separating them from the ground. however, the local indians thought the vortexes in sedona were sacred (without detailing it in terms of electromagnetism) and traveled days just to sit "in" it & pray. this is cathedral rock, the second-most photographed rock formation in arizona (after the grand canyon). the creek is a fault line, and therefore a vortex.

the guide also taught us how to transfer our negative energy to a tree by placing our right hand on it and concentrating on expelling negative thoughts. don't worry, he said it didn't hurt the tree. you can also suck good energy from the tree by placing your left hand on it and concentrating. i think i will try this at home on my own trees to see what happens -- it can't hurt.

the tour itself was very interesting and informative. there were two other people besides the guide and me. the guy was a high school biology teacher who asked a lot of questions about the science behind the vortex, which i found disappointing because i understood it, and i am not teaching science for a living. the girl on the other hand, announced as soon as we reached the vortex that it was "really heavy on the solar plexus." what does that mean??!?!?!?!?

what exactly (allegedly) happens at the vortex is hard to say and i tried to be open, but it was difficult to evaluate the situation objectively for several reasons. 1. the area is SO beautiful and peaceful that it's hard not to feel better when you're out there in the middle of it than you did 15 minutes ago being bounced all to hell in a 4WD vehicle. 2. a watched pot never boils. i was watching myself, other people were watching me, and the whole time i was thinking "do i feel different? how about now? how about now?" here is a picture of me sitting on the vortex trying to soak up the magic through my butt.

i was rewarded for my tolerance of this hippie nonsense with a beautiful, sunny, blue sky the next day, so i went to the sunset crater, which was a lot like being on the big island of hawaii, except in the middle of arizona. i also visited some indian ruins at wupatki national park. they were pretty red against the blue sky and well-made, often built into the side of a hill or using gigantic rocks for foundations. i discovered that they were made of limestone when i climbed into a secret room to pee and the floor started fizzing. whoops.

i stopped by montezuma's castle national monument (although this is a misnomer because montezuma never made it this far north) on my way to phoenix for my flight home. it is really amazing how high up the structure is -- the indians got in and out using wooden ladders -- and how enduring. this photo has some people in it that can be used for scale. the "castle" has 20 rooms and was built over a thousand years ago.

mark, one of my saviors from humphrey's peak, graciously offered to show me around while i passed the time until my 11PM flight. i didn't see much of phoenix -- only a lot of blue moon and the three killer whales inhabiting his pool out back, which was perfectly fine with me. and i was lucky to hang out with some really smart, really funny, really interesting people before i returned to my normal life in cuckoo, VA. NOTE: please let the official record show that i kicked everyone's ass at balderdash -- though the competition was steep. seven years of higher education occasionally has practical application. but has not improved my handwriting.

Dry Heat My Ass

after my day of rest in flagstaff, where over 100 trains grumble by every 24 hours, i decided to climb to the highest point in arizona -- humphrey's peak at 12,637 feet. i got up early (still haven't adjusted to pacific time even after 2 weeks), put on shorts and a t-shirt, and drove up to the trailhead. i consider myself a pretty responsible person. when i parked at 7:30, it was 55 degrees and overcast, but this is arizona! it gets warm here quick. so i put on my hiking shoes and heavy-duty sunscreen, plus hat and sunglasses. i carried over a gallon of water in my pack, along with some snacks since the trail is 4.8 miles uphill the whole way. look at me, so responsible. and i set off.

the mountain was very green, lots of trees and flowers blooming and rocks to jump around on. about an hour in, it started to sprinkle. the rain was cold, but i was going only uphill so i was keeping warm. plus i love to run in the rain, so this wasn't much different. so i kept going. it kept raining. i kept going.

eventually, i came upon some valley boys -- mark, brandan & adam -- resting on the trail and learned some interesting tidbits of information. such as that it was only 40 degrees outside. (mark had a thermometer attached to his belt haha.) and that i gets 3.5 degrees colder for every 1000-foot increase in elevation. of course, this did not deter me from continuing onward, but i finally accepted brandon's extra poncho. i hiked behind them up the saddle, into a cloud (cool!), still raining.

then it began to hail. i'm not kidding. august 6th in arizona, i'm 3.8 miles up a mountainside, wearing shorts and a poncho AND SUNSCREEN and i am being pelted with hail.

i definitely would not have gone any further in the HAIL, but mark offered me the wool sweater in his pack, and no longer travelling alone, we (and another dude, aaron) set off for the last mile to the top through federally-protected tundra. here's a picture of what we hiked into. besides being rainy and cold and cloudy and entirely uphill, it was uneventful, but i sat on the top of the highest point in arizona!

after quietly enjoying my triumph over humphreys peak -- there weren't any spectacular views to take in, but being in a cloud was crazy -- we set back down. it began to rain again. then there was a HUGE clap of thunder, and aaron took off down the mountainside without looking back, never to be seen again, and obviously very concerned about our collective safety. as if this was really going to make a difference.

none of us were struck by lightning (i guess being inside the cloud offers its own protection) but the way down was completely miserable -- and took almost as long as going up! even with brandon setting the pace at 215 miles per hour. when we finally made it to the bottom almost 8 hours later, i pulled jeans on over my wobbly, mud-caked legs and met the boys at the local brewery, where i bought them a beer for looking out for me.

praise the lord for nice boys taking pity on stupid girls! lesson learned: not all of arizona is hot OR dry.

Giddy Up Suicide

yesterday i spent 7 hours sitting on the back of a mule. my guide, who introduced himself as "poncho" thought it would be funny to tell me that my mule was named suicide, not expecting my response of "awesome, i was hoping my mule would have a badass name." turns out her name is shannon, and she is a pretty good mule. (however, at no point did i use the words "giddy up" or attempt to make her travel at a faster pace.)

about 1/2 an hour down, i decided that i'd had enough of mules and if poncho would just let me off to pee (which would've been interesting on the side of a trail about 2 feet wide with cliff on both sides) i didn't care if i ever saw another mule again. after another hour, we had our first stop to pee, refill our canteens, and get hosed down to combat the heat. there are six distinct climate zones within the grand canyon and the temperature at the bottom is sometimes 20-30 degrees warmer than at the top. the only thing better than riding a mule is doing it with wet underwear. but after this stop, the trip was more comfortable so i stopped being cranky.

we dismounted for lunch at plataeu point, where you can see the colorado river. we were about 1/2 way down, and even there its hard to believe that the river is over a mile across in some parts. the views were incredible.

the lady in front of me in the mule train, paula, made it clear at the beginning of the ride that she had voted to spend the family vacation in mexico, and was only on this mule ride to humor her husband who apparently was fulfilling a lifelong dream on our trip. she was hilarious. but she was really nervous about plodding down the tiny trail on a clumsy mule. it was perfect for taking in the scenery though -- i didnt have to look where i was going, and i was confident that shannon didn't want to die. although she did walk VERY close to the edge sometimes and made extremely wide turns. here's a picture of shannon and goldie gazing nonchalantly at the trail we just went up.

another joy of riding behind paula was that her mule is the gassy-est mule EVER. i, of course, handled this very maturely by giggling hysterically everytime goldie ripped one. which was like every five minutes. goldie obviously had a very high fiber diet. poncho told paula she was on the cadillac escalade of all mules ahahaha.

on the way back up, we had to stop twice while helicopters came in to rescue people. poncho informed us that the first person died (heart attack) because they carried him out in a basket attached to the helicopter, and the second person did not (fell from rim) because they put him into the helicopter to "work on him" on the way to the hospital. i am glad to hear that if you are foolish enough to need a helicopter to retrieve you -- and the majority of people are stupid rather than unlucky -- the park service will send you a $4000 bill.

although it was touch-and-go for a while, i passed the mule-riding test! i'm sure my mom will be proud to frame this and put it next to all my dean's scholar certificates and law degree.

getting up at 5AM even had its perks -- i saw about 30 elk on my way to the park, just hanging out on the side of the road. they are HUMONGOUS. not the run-of-the-mill louisa county white-tailed deer i'm used to.

last night i had key lime pie for dinner, with a glass of milk and took a walking tour of williams to see all the old buildings and whorehouses. today is a day of rest. i have no idea what's on my itinerary and i don't care. probably i will have a piece of pie for breakfast at the pine country restaurant, and eventually mosey my way over to flagstaff for the rest of my trip.

p.s. good news from the real world: i've had 2 offers to publish my article on responding to sea level rise! woo hoo.

Humongous Things

today i walked about 8 miles along the south rim of the grand canyon. praise the lord there was a shuttle bus to bring me back -- i am exhausted. it is HUMONGOUS. i took tons of pictures, none of which do it justice, so all of you will just have to make the trip to see it yourself! when i stopped to have lunch, a squirrel climbed INTO my pack. i guess he could smell the apple in there from like 100 miles away and was just waiting for me to sit down. of course, all the fools nearby who had never seen a squirrel before thought it was so cute, but i shooed it away and beat a quick retreat -- i am not going to let a squirrel attack ruin my vacation! you may be skeptical, but the guide on the shuttle informed us that squirrel bites are the #1 injury in the canyon, with 20-30 idiots getting bitten each day. i have to be up early early for the mule ride tomorrow (i saw some going down into the canyon and they looked verrrrry tiny!), but hope to take a peek at the book i picked up in the park: over the edge: death in the grand canyon, which contains "gripping accounts of all known fatal mishaps in the most famous of the world's 7 natural wonders." according to the back cover, 600 people have died in the canyon since 1869 and ALL of them are in this book.

i am staying at the historic grand canyon hotel in williams, AZ -- the oldest hotel in arizona. there is a sign outside that says "rooms $3.50 & up." it is fabulous here. i love this town. i love it so much i've decided to stay an extra day. even though the town revolves around tourism and could easily become a ridiculous & intolerable tourist trap, williams has managed to retain its charm. it's on route 66, which old people seem to think is a big deal. if that means it is lined with shops like "the turquoise teepee" and restaurants like the "pine country restaurant" then i am cool with route 66. the pine country restaurant is 1/2 a block from my hotel and has about 30 different types of pies and cake each day (see left). i havent had ice cream for breakfast yet karrie, but i did have a HUMONGOUS piece of carrot cake for dinner tonight. and last night i had the chocolate banana cream pie. :) this is totally justifiable. 1. im on vacation. 2. i drank a LOT of milk with it, so i got a lot of good nutrients out of the meal.

on my way out of the white mountains yesterday, i stopped at tonto natural bridge state park to see the largest travertine bridge in the world. it is HUMONGOUS. it's hard to tell just how humongous it is in the pictures without any scale ... but very impressive, with traditional limestone formations on the inside and some really neat moss that grew like mushrooms. here is me under the bridge. i went on another great hike through the park -- lots of jumping rock-to-rock and climbing on a not-very-well-marked trail next to the creek with lots of trees and shade.

i also drove about 50 miles out of my way to stand on the corner in winslow, AZ. cute town, but not much going on.

on a final note, arizona is the only state i've ever driven in that has reasonable speed limits. a flat straight road in the middle of nowhere -- 75 mph. a hairpin mountainous road -- 35 mph. everytime i pass a speed limit sign i look down to happily realize i am traveling lawfully!

stay tuned for the possibility of more HUGE things tomorrow ... like the huge pain in my ass from sitting on a donkey for 7 hours.