last night was my two-month anniversary -- HUGE, i know -- so i decided to surprise aaron. i was very mysterious about my intentions when i packed him up in the car and carted him down to bushmaster park ... to kick his ass in basketball.
i use the term "kick his ass" loosely. i retired from my intramural basketball career in 2005, having scored a grand total of 5 points in a season (but probably committing 250+ fouls!) i'm not a bad shot if i have time to think. which is never in a game of basketball. my defense is intense -- hence all the fouls. another problem is that i don't really know the rules. aaron told me that i was double-dribbling. my response: i don't know what that is, so it doesn't count. i probably last played basketball 1-on-1 with christopher right before i graduated law school. we were pretty evenly matched: he knew how to play basketball, but i had 2 feet and 15 years on him.
SO "to kick his ass" really means "to rub up against him while periodically handling a basketball."
it turns out that bushmaster park is full of sketchy drunk natives, so we left in search of a new hoop when the score was tight: 2 to 1. we now have a complete inventory of basketball hoops in the flagstaff area. neither of us can really see in the dark, so i'll blame the glaring lights at the rec center for the fact that it took us an embarrassingly long time to score 21 points. total.
i have a fat lip and got poked in the eyeball. it is still unclear what i was poked with (possibly something attached to my own body...) we paused the game at that point -- while i was up 11 to 10. the basketball is tucked safely away in the trunk with the air pump until further notice, which hopefully will be soon. i don't really know how aaron felt about the surprise, but he laughed a lot -- presumably at my awesome skillz and propensity for injury, and maybe the time he tried unsuccessfully to make a shot under his leg -- and i thought the whole thing was hilarious. and let's be honest: i've nothing to lose at this point, because improvement is the only option.
in other news, i have pretty much recovered from my death threat last week. it's always the day that you think you just need to slog through uneventfully that results in a near-assault by your client's mom in the waiting area of the courthouse. praise the lord for the seven people who were holding her back and my JPO security detail for the rest of the morning. i, in true oblivious-kelley-fashion, failed to realize that the hysterics were directed at me until after my client fled the courthouse and i chased her barefoot in a suit down the highway to try to calm her down before she hitched a ride with some trucker of questionable moral character.
is this in my job description?
every day is an adventure.
24 July 2008
12 July 2008
Ting Tang Wallwalla Bing Bang
7 weeks ago, i felt pretty realistic about getting married -- i never thought that it would be easy. i certainly was never foolish enough to think that being married to aaron in particular would be easy. but i DID (foolishly, i guess) think it would at least be easy for the first couple months or so. NO ... thusfar, we are a disaster. aaron is a mess, i am a mess, and together, we are a mess. though i do not care to elaborate, i will be sure to update everyone on how my consultation with the exorcist/astrologist/witch doctor goes. i'm sure it's nothing that can't be cured with the right enema.
BUT even though i wish wish wish at least one of us could catch a break, i'm still enjoying myself and learning about lots of interesting things. like malt liquor! on friday night, aaron and i followed up our happy hour fruity beverages with a trip to the skeezy corner liquor shack where i had my first lesson on the 40. lesson #1: it probably does not matter which one i pick because they are all kind of raunchy. i cheated (only a little bit!) and chose something slightly < 40 ounces. lesson #2: 40s cannot be consumed just anywhere. for example, you cannot simply purchase your 40 to drink in the privacy of your own home. instead, preference is given to open air, public places, and high perches (sometimes necessitating the use of a paper bag). or in our case, a rock ledge off the urban rape trail system, which come to find out, is sporadically decorated with the remnants of 40s past and frequented by drunk natives and homeless vets. lesson #3: you will pee A LOT of times during the course of 40-consumption. given the guidelines of lesson #2, dress accordingly.
notwithstanding problems associated with lesson #3, it was hilarious. probably still a disaster, but one that makes me laugh.
i spent most of saturday being painfully aware of what i ingested on friday night. kim swears bacon is the cure for a hangover -- in the southwest it's supposedly a mexican sausage called chorizo -- but i found riding around on the back of aaron's motorcycle with the wind in my face to be extremely effective. anyway, last night aaron was researching the distinction between beer and malt liquor (praise the lord for the internet to provide an answer to these burning questions) when we discovered a fun new drinking game: edward fortyhands.
during a game of edward fortyhands, players duct tape a 40 into each hand and attempt to be the first to consume both bottles. the rules are unclear as to whether players may remove one 40 at a time. allegedly, this game has international appeal, most likely based on it's intended result: to induce old-fashioned rowdiness or vomiting. AHAHAHAHAHA. i almost peed my pants laughing at this discovery -- it's too good not to share. it is a disaster, however, that i plan to avoid.
p.s. a quick google reveals plenty of firsthand experiences, including the variant: edward fortyhands TURBO !! whoa.
BUT even though i wish wish wish at least one of us could catch a break, i'm still enjoying myself and learning about lots of interesting things. like malt liquor! on friday night, aaron and i followed up our happy hour fruity beverages with a trip to the skeezy corner liquor shack where i had my first lesson on the 40. lesson #1: it probably does not matter which one i pick because they are all kind of raunchy. i cheated (only a little bit!) and chose something slightly < 40 ounces. lesson #2: 40s cannot be consumed just anywhere. for example, you cannot simply purchase your 40 to drink in the privacy of your own home. instead, preference is given to open air, public places, and high perches (sometimes necessitating the use of a paper bag). or in our case, a rock ledge off the urban rape trail system, which come to find out, is sporadically decorated with the remnants of 40s past and frequented by drunk natives and homeless vets. lesson #3: you will pee A LOT of times during the course of 40-consumption. given the guidelines of lesson #2, dress accordingly.
notwithstanding problems associated with lesson #3, it was hilarious. probably still a disaster, but one that makes me laugh.
i spent most of saturday being painfully aware of what i ingested on friday night. kim swears bacon is the cure for a hangover -- in the southwest it's supposedly a mexican sausage called chorizo -- but i found riding around on the back of aaron's motorcycle with the wind in my face to be extremely effective. anyway, last night aaron was researching the distinction between beer and malt liquor (praise the lord for the internet to provide an answer to these burning questions) when we discovered a fun new drinking game: edward fortyhands.
during a game of edward fortyhands, players duct tape a 40 into each hand and attempt to be the first to consume both bottles. the rules are unclear as to whether players may remove one 40 at a time. allegedly, this game has international appeal, most likely based on it's intended result: to induce old-fashioned rowdiness or vomiting. AHAHAHAHAHA. i almost peed my pants laughing at this discovery -- it's too good not to share. it is a disaster, however, that i plan to avoid.
p.s. a quick google reveals plenty of firsthand experiences, including the variant: edward fortyhands TURBO !! whoa.
08 July 2008
"And I Only Busted My Ass One Time ..."
although i became frustrated with my level of hygeine and the knots in my hair towards the end, camping is actually pretty fun. i suspect that the fact that we were able to park our tent next to a cool, clean, refreshing section of the virgin river contributed to my 48-hour tolerance of filth and grime. first-come first-serve at the campground outside of zion national park worked in our favor, despite leaving an hour and 11 minutes past our ETD. complete documentation of our adventures can be found here.
zion was absolutely gorgeous -- i just could NOT get over the beautiful cross-bedding! i am convinced aaron was also fascinated by this phenomenon. the geology simplified: the area used to be a giant desert, covered in giant sand dunes, which later cemented in sandstone. the area uplifted and valleys were carved into the area by the virgin river, exposing all the layers of rock. i do admit to liking the features in kanab, UT better, even though all we did was drive through, because you could see the dune features a lot better. (i know from experience the amazing # of geology field trips that can be supported by a simple roadside.)
on the 4th, we hiked up the narrows, which basically consisted of jumping around in a big, cool creek with huge canyon walls stretching up either side. we didn't quite make it the full 14 miles because i NEEDED a hot dog and a beer very badly in order to properly acknowledge my independence from british oppression. i
t was a really fun adventure, especially in a dress, although our feet did take quite a beating. and i only busted my ass on a slippery rock one time. unfortunately, the bruise on my ass does not do justice to the amount of pain i experienced. this photo was taken soon after my fall ... the guy who took this picture made a point to ask me if i was okay since he saw me bust my ass back there. thanks, buddy.
on our hike back to the shuttle, we encountered hilarious group of foreigners #1. i was walking along the path, totally lost in my own thoughts when i noticed the people behind me kept saying the same word over and over and over to each other: screwl. what is that? i finally figured out that they were practicing their pronunciation -- of squirrel. i started laughing uncontrollably and had to sit down and let them pass us by.
the next day, we hiked up angel's landing -- the last 3/4 mile of which has 800+ feet drop-offs on either side and features a chain system for you to hold onto to prevent from sliding off into oblivion. it wasn't scary (since i have no fear of heights), just the most INSANE trail i've ever hiked. i tried to imagine some earlier settler thinking to himself: this looks like a good place to walk. it was great. the pictures hardly do it justice, but this one provides a little scale. while on this trial, we encountered hilarious foreigner #2: the count. aaron and i kept close by him and his family during the hike in the hopes that we might catch him saying, i want to suck your blood, in his awesome count dracula accent. no luck.
the woman who checked us in to our campsite did not appreciate my suggestion that aaron and i shower together to maximize our shower tokens -- this is utah, she reminded me. oh, i responded, i forgot about that glorious fact. we showed her though ... and managed to take both of our showers together. the first night, in the boys bathroom, was uneventful. the second night, however, in the girls bathroom, there was a big disgusting mound of hair/suds clogging up the drain which aaron kicked into the stall next to us ... where someone else was showering. needless to say, she did not appreciate this, but i got a good laugh.
on the way home, we took a detour through colorado city, famous for being the home of polygamist leader, warren jeffs. we managed to find a store that would sell 3.2% beer to us on sunday -- the polygamy porter, naturally -- so as to make full use of the photo opportunity.
blasphemy complete. we drove around some of the back roads (which were really probably main roads that felt like back roads...) making guesses as to which compound warren jeffs probably lived in until he was imprisoned in november 2007 for sexual misconduct with minors ... until i got super-creeped-out by the whole place and the fact that people allow their children to be raised there and made aaron take me back to the highway. side note: i'm holding fast to my refusal to move to utah. i lived in towns before where the politics were largely influenced by religion, but not by a creepy, cult-like religion. this is where i choose to draw the line.
otherwise, we entertained ourselves catching bugs, sitting with our feet in the virgin river watching the people go by, and of course, burning things. all-in-all, a very relaxing trip.
i am happy that aaron is equally as easily amused as i am ... and that we can still be friends when subsisting entirely on hot dogs and lemonade while our BO is only slightly masked by a LOT of deodorant. :)
zion was absolutely gorgeous -- i just could NOT get over the beautiful cross-bedding! i am convinced aaron was also fascinated by this phenomenon. the geology simplified: the area used to be a giant desert, covered in giant sand dunes, which later cemented in sandstone. the area uplifted and valleys were carved into the area by the virgin river, exposing all the layers of rock. i do admit to liking the features in kanab, UT better, even though all we did was drive through, because you could see the dune features a lot better. (i know from experience the amazing # of geology field trips that can be supported by a simple roadside.)
on the 4th, we hiked up the narrows, which basically consisted of jumping around in a big, cool creek with huge canyon walls stretching up either side. we didn't quite make it the full 14 miles because i NEEDED a hot dog and a beer very badly in order to properly acknowledge my independence from british oppression. i
t was a really fun adventure, especially in a dress, although our feet did take quite a beating. and i only busted my ass on a slippery rock one time. unfortunately, the bruise on my ass does not do justice to the amount of pain i experienced. this photo was taken soon after my fall ... the guy who took this picture made a point to ask me if i was okay since he saw me bust my ass back there. thanks, buddy.on our hike back to the shuttle, we encountered hilarious group of foreigners #1. i was walking along the path, totally lost in my own thoughts when i noticed the people behind me kept saying the same word over and over and over to each other: screwl. what is that? i finally figured out that they were practicing their pronunciation -- of squirrel. i started laughing uncontrollably and had to sit down and let them pass us by.
the next day, we hiked up angel's landing -- the last 3/4 mile of which has 800+ feet drop-offs on either side and features a chain system for you to hold onto to prevent from sliding off into oblivion. it wasn't scary (since i have no fear of heights), just the most INSANE trail i've ever hiked. i tried to imagine some earlier settler thinking to himself: this looks like a good place to walk. it was great. the pictures hardly do it justice, but this one provides a little scale. while on this trial, we encountered hilarious foreigner #2: the count. aaron and i kept close by him and his family during the hike in the hopes that we might catch him saying, i want to suck your blood, in his awesome count dracula accent. no luck.the woman who checked us in to our campsite did not appreciate my suggestion that aaron and i shower together to maximize our shower tokens -- this is utah, she reminded me. oh, i responded, i forgot about that glorious fact. we showed her though ... and managed to take both of our showers together. the first night, in the boys bathroom, was uneventful. the second night, however, in the girls bathroom, there was a big disgusting mound of hair/suds clogging up the drain which aaron kicked into the stall next to us ... where someone else was showering. needless to say, she did not appreciate this, but i got a good laugh.
on the way home, we took a detour through colorado city, famous for being the home of polygamist leader, warren jeffs. we managed to find a store that would sell 3.2% beer to us on sunday -- the polygamy porter, naturally -- so as to make full use of the photo opportunity.
blasphemy complete. we drove around some of the back roads (which were really probably main roads that felt like back roads...) making guesses as to which compound warren jeffs probably lived in until he was imprisoned in november 2007 for sexual misconduct with minors ... until i got super-creeped-out by the whole place and the fact that people allow their children to be raised there and made aaron take me back to the highway. side note: i'm holding fast to my refusal to move to utah. i lived in towns before where the politics were largely influenced by religion, but not by a creepy, cult-like religion. this is where i choose to draw the line.otherwise, we entertained ourselves catching bugs, sitting with our feet in the virgin river watching the people go by, and of course, burning things. all-in-all, a very relaxing trip.
i am happy that aaron is equally as easily amused as i am ... and that we can still be friends when subsisting entirely on hot dogs and lemonade while our BO is only slightly masked by a LOT of deodorant. :)
03 July 2008
He Woke Me Up With A Bang Bang
aaron has a lot of guns. i don't know exactly how many or what kind they are. i know that he keeps them locked up in his secret file cabinet with god knows what else. (also his ex-girlfriend knows what else because she broke in there with a butterknife one time -- obviously they are very secure.) and i know that he keeps a gun in his truck all the time and sometimes will strap one to the back of his belt if he goes out at night.
i grew up in the country where there are a lot of guns and learned to shoot when i was a kid (like 15 years ago ... it never stuck). however, i am not used to having to scoot a gun over off the passenger seat of aaron's truck so i have a place to sit. i am not prepared for aaron to stick his gun in my suitcase when we leave my car with the valet at our hotel in vegas. i'm not sure how i feel about transporting his gun in the backseat of the county car while i am in court because he forgot it was in his bag and can't bring it in to work. is he ever going to shoot something? maybe ... i picture a stand-off on the side of the interstate late at night: aaron vs. the prairie dog.
in other news, aaron and i are going to utah to celebrate the 4th of july. i am excited about this, our first trip together, and to see bryce & zion even though:
#1 utah is home of 3.2% beer and the state liquor board. i.e., if you want to drink anything with higher than 3.2% alcohol, you MUST buy it on fridays from 4 to 9PM at the state liquor board and pay out of the ass for it. or you have to buy a membership to a "private club" and then can only be served alcohol if you are also buying food. ridic. not to mention caffeine-free coca-cola. this casts an even larger shadow on a state already full of freaky religious zealots and that harbored my crazy uncle for many, many years. maybe that's an unfair characterization, but i've been reading the mormon murders, which delves into the illustrious history, or lack thereof, of the mormon religion. and i'm sticking to my guns for now.
#2 we will be crossing "the rez." as a little white girl from the east coast, i previously thought that referring to the pieces of crap land our government so graciously offered to give the american indians after uprooting them and killing them with fatigue and disease as "the rez" was a political no-no. however, it seems to be pretty standard here, along with the knowledge that on the rez, you can expect to be unnecessarily harassed by tribal law enforcement, accosted by tweekers if you stop for any reason, and hounded by "rez dogs" hoping for a bite of your 99 cent burger king cheeseburger. so much to look forward to in that trek.
and #3 we will be staying at a campground. in a tent. on the ground. it's going to be 100 degrees, and there is a shower that costs $3. i have an extra $20-bill tucked in my underwear just for that.
i vow not to let these things get in the way of eating hot dogs, drinking beer (imported from AZ), and watching loud explosions in the sky in the true fashion of patriotism. i will, however, take a lot of pictures ... and am sure to have lots to report upon my return.
i grew up in the country where there are a lot of guns and learned to shoot when i was a kid (like 15 years ago ... it never stuck). however, i am not used to having to scoot a gun over off the passenger seat of aaron's truck so i have a place to sit. i am not prepared for aaron to stick his gun in my suitcase when we leave my car with the valet at our hotel in vegas. i'm not sure how i feel about transporting his gun in the backseat of the county car while i am in court because he forgot it was in his bag and can't bring it in to work. is he ever going to shoot something? maybe ... i picture a stand-off on the side of the interstate late at night: aaron vs. the prairie dog.
in other news, aaron and i are going to utah to celebrate the 4th of july. i am excited about this, our first trip together, and to see bryce & zion even though:
#1 utah is home of 3.2% beer and the state liquor board. i.e., if you want to drink anything with higher than 3.2% alcohol, you MUST buy it on fridays from 4 to 9PM at the state liquor board and pay out of the ass for it. or you have to buy a membership to a "private club" and then can only be served alcohol if you are also buying food. ridic. not to mention caffeine-free coca-cola. this casts an even larger shadow on a state already full of freaky religious zealots and that harbored my crazy uncle for many, many years. maybe that's an unfair characterization, but i've been reading the mormon murders, which delves into the illustrious history, or lack thereof, of the mormon religion. and i'm sticking to my guns for now.
#2 we will be crossing "the rez." as a little white girl from the east coast, i previously thought that referring to the pieces of crap land our government so graciously offered to give the american indians after uprooting them and killing them with fatigue and disease as "the rez" was a political no-no. however, it seems to be pretty standard here, along with the knowledge that on the rez, you can expect to be unnecessarily harassed by tribal law enforcement, accosted by tweekers if you stop for any reason, and hounded by "rez dogs" hoping for a bite of your 99 cent burger king cheeseburger. so much to look forward to in that trek.
and #3 we will be staying at a campground. in a tent. on the ground. it's going to be 100 degrees, and there is a shower that costs $3. i have an extra $20-bill tucked in my underwear just for that.
i vow not to let these things get in the way of eating hot dogs, drinking beer (imported from AZ), and watching loud explosions in the sky in the true fashion of patriotism. i will, however, take a lot of pictures ... and am sure to have lots to report upon my return.
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