25 More Things

it's been over five years since the original revelation of 25 things.  WOW does time fly.  but after this, you will know me twice as well.

1.  i learned to walk in high heels from a glamour magazine 8 years ago.  the trick is to walk on your toes and point them out.  once you do this nearly every day for a few years, you get the hang of it and heels actually become comfortable.

2.  i am a proud and shameless emotional eater.  there are just some tasks that cannot be undertaken without an appropriate amount of chunky monkey under your belt.  i cannot properly set someone in his place on 164 calories of orange and pepper and lettuce juice.  that shit requires LUNCH.  preferably tacos carmelos with avocado and fresh pico de gallo from the verde lea.  (see how emotional i am getting just talking about lunch?)

3.  my signature look is "too much eyeshadow" in any of a variety of glittery colors.

4.  although i gave up baking some time ago (and blame it on the altitude even though i don't technically qualify for high altitude instructions...), my mom did teach me how to make gravy from scratch with no lumps.  this is ironic because my mom is also not known for her culinary arts.  nevertheless, i am glad to be able to contribute something worthwhile to thanksgiving celebrations.  and the same butter-flour-milk technique also makes a fantastic cheese sauce!

5.  i am especially gifted at identifying roadkill.

6.  when i grow up, i want to be a back-up dancer.

7.  i get why hashtags are annoying -- i really do -- but they're so funny i just can't stop.  it's like a whole world of sarcasm that never existed before.  at any given moment, i have a running list of ridiculous ones in my head to be used on the very next photograph my sister posts.  it adds a whole new dimension to the one millionth picture of her painting the interior of her house.  #lesbiansofinstagram #likeaboss #redbeansandricedidmissher #yousabigfinewomanwontyoubackthatthangup #yolobitches

8.  my favorite tv show of all time is futurama.  if you are experiencing a noteworty event, please feel free to consult me for the corresponding futurama episode and life lesson to be learned from fictional aliens/robots/delivery boys listening to the poorly-preserved remains of the beastie boys kickin' it 1000 years in the future.

9.  i have an advanced degree and a successful career, but the biggest accomplishment

of my life thus far is getting my two toddlers to take a nap at the same time.  i know other people who do this too, but those people seem so much more together than me.

10.  i have a favorite spice blend.  it's called cavender's greek seasoning, you can get it at the grocery store, and it's good on EVERYTHING.

11.  i have a second favorite spice blend: herbs de provence, also good on everything.

12.  i am a silverware snob.  i like to eat with good thick heavy silverware, and will dig shamelessly through your silverware drawer to find the most hulking fork available.

13.  i was once high-fived by a stranger after performing a particularly tight parallel parking job.  i brag about it frequently.

14.  i save those extra buttons that come in a little tiny plastic bag attached to new shirts, coats, etc.  i have a whole little drawer of them.  to the best of my recollection, i have never taken a button out of that drawer, for any reason.  (as a result, i still have that one that says "sometimes i like to run around in my underwear for no reason.")

15.  i have zero opinion about whether or not 9/11 might have been a government conspiracy, but i am ANGRY at the candy company conspiracy to change all the candy previously-known-as lime to sour apple flavored.  skittles and sweettarts have been ruined.

16.  i hate drinking out of a straw.  the exception is slurpees and milkshakes, which just aren't the same off of  a spoon and give you a face full of grief if you try to tip over the cup.

17.  the first thing i notice about you is your hands.  then i judge you based on what i see.  and if they're unnaturally small, i am creeped out and we are probably not friends.

18.  i spent a summer in russia when i was in college.  my first memory is looking out the window of my bedroom at a dumpster that said "i hate white people" across the side of it.  i'm happy for the experience, but i cried with happiness when the guy who stamped me back into the US of A said "welcome home."

19.  when i hear about middle schoolers having sex and doing drugs, i'm blown away.  when i was in 7th grade, my friends and i organized a coup against our english teacher, mrs. love, who we most certainly did not love.  we got almost the entire class to stand outside in the hallway until after the bell rang, and arrived tardy en masse.  now that is living life.

20.  i get close-to-vomiting dizzy on the swing set and the merry-go-round.  i ride them with my kids anyway.

21.  my favorite book is jurassic park and i re-read it every year.  while you teeny-boppers are arguing over vampires and werewolves, i continue my eternal internal debate between rugged archaeologist alan grant and the gloomy intellectual mathematician ian malcolm.  *swoon*

22.  i don't do basements.  i flat-out refuse to enter the basement at my office and still run up the stairs at my mom's house before anything can grab me and drag me back down.

23.  i once had the life goal of genetically engineering a polar bear small enough that i could keep it for a pet.  my mom, always the cheerleader, gave me a little tiny one out of her mcdonald's happy meal 15 years ago, that i still have.  (now that i've said it out loud, you know you want one!)

notably, in contrast, at this moment i have zero-point-zero life goals....

24.  i have been using the same plaid flannel pillow on my bed since august of 2000.  my mom bought it for me from kmart when i moved into my freshman dorm because we forgot to pack one -- and ta-da, it now has sentimental value and i will never get rid of it, ever.

25.  my favorite kind of cake is a bundt cake.  for those of you who don't know, that's a shape of cake.  *shrug*

I Am Neither A Hypocrite, Nor A Weakling

right now, i'm sitting on the couch thinking about alice and wonderland, and specifically the grouchy caterpillar on the mushroom blowing smoke rings (and smoke ABCs) asking alice whooooo ... arrrrre ... yooooou?  big thanks to my BFF in all the land for bringing the question to the front of my mind (and if you haven't checked out her thoughts on the topic, i cannot recommend it enough -- just have a dictionary and some aspirin handy because she makes me look tame in words, thought and action.)  and also for reminding me that we are 31 and should be old enough to answer this question.... yeesh.

yet, i feel like i had a better sense of self when we were 17, lifeguarding at the local water park for our summer job, collecting waterlogged quarters from the slides to fund our midnight snacks, and getting stood up by drug dealers before we both shipped off to college.  because back then, my life was mine.  now i am a slave to bills, laundry (oh so much laundry), work, the diamonds on my finger and tiny tugging toddler hands.

in an attempt to define myself, i turned to the online meyers-brigg personality test, where i am a fairly emphatic ESTJ.  according to the internet, this means i would be a good librarian, and i am least likely to develop a DSM-IV personality disorder -- lending further support to the omniscience of the internet, as i feel like those two statements are mutually exclusive.

E is for extroverted.  since the test i took is visual, i am estimating that i am about 8 times more extroverted than introverted.  as far as i can tell, this means that i am greatly effected by inertia -- things in motion tend to stay in motion or they lose interest and motivation.  things at rest tend to fall asleep in 30 seconds or less and wake up disheveled and disoriented hours later, ravenous and having forgotten their life goals and purpose.  i don't mind being alone, but the bills, laundry, work, diamonds and toddlers will be tossed aside for a closet alphabetized by color, a perfectly glittered pedicure, and some sort of marshmallow masterpiece with no measurable nutritional value.

S stands for sensing.  importantly, i have zero-point-zero (0.0) iNtuition.  if it's not right in front of my face, it's not actually happening.  

i tend to generally agree with this assessment, but (1) it does little to explain my fascination with UFOs and crop circles.  (as an aside, i have a pretty sweet husband.  whenever i see a suspicious object in the sky and ask whether he thinks it might be a UFO, he spends an appropriate amount of time looking, examining, asking follow-up questions, and considering the question before saying "no, that's an airplane."  thanks, honey.) 

and (2) it does not address my horrible superstitions and fanatical belief in karma.  yes jackie, i still pick up my feet, say "peanut butter," and kiss the ceiling when i go through a yellow light or over railroad tracks.  i make a wish at 11:11.  i knock on tons and tons of wood, every day.  i believe the rhythm is gonna get ya, and act accordingly.

apparently my intuition is limited to coincidences and fictional worlds that exist only in romantic comedies and sci-fi novels.

T stands for thinking.  i did have an acceptable level of "feeling."  while i consider myself to be extremely rational (like the good little economist i am), i understand that the concept relates directly to subjective internal factors.  what makes perfect sense to me -- based on my status, education and experience -- goes over another person's head who is weighing different factors in their own cost-benefit analysis.  so, this level of "feeling" is really just an extension of how completely rational i am thankyouverymuch.

J is for judging, rather than perceiving.  i am about twice as judgmental as i am perceptive, and i can't say it better than heidi did:  so know this, friends and acquaintances, i don't just see you, i judge you.  even if you put a stupid meme on your facebook page that says "do not judge me." in an attempt to protect yourself.  i cannot be stopped....  according to the meyers-briggs asshole index, you do not have a relationship with an ESTJ, you have a deal.  my family would concur that i'm a bossy, inflexible, insufferable know-it-all.

i am in an impressive company of women (if by impressive i mean bossy, inflexible and insufferable ... and wildly successful and productive) -- famous ESTJs include judge judy (reminding me that i was voted the coveted "most likely to become a TV judge" award my final year of law school), sandra day o'connor, nancy grace, hillary clinton, condoleezza rice, michelle obama, bette davis, joan rivers ... and princess leia.  good to know someone has the time to analyze the personality types of fictional characters, and may i please have that job?

i am also in the company of saddam hussein (to whom the title credits go) and a man i actually truly admire: fidel castro.  now there is a tough, idealistic, unyielding, ballsy SOB.  i get the theoretical appeal of communism, and have to hand it to fidel for giving it a hell of a shot over the course of fifty years.  to the detriment of the cuban economy and impoverishment and starvation of the cuban people, but no matter.  a revolution is not a bed of roses.

and drum roll please ... my same-birthday-meyers-brigg-twin: marion hugh "sugar bear / suge" knight -- founder and CEO of death row records and real life west coast gangsta, who was once arrested for domestic violence for cutting off his girlfriend's ponytail in the street.  first, who remembers to bring their shears into the street during a domestic dispute?  and second, oh no you didn't! *insert sassy finger wave*  i respect your dedication and take-no-prisoners attitude, sir.  you are neither a hypocrite, nor a weakling.  i propose that "money over bitches" will be the theme of our joint 32nd/49th birthday party which will take place on or around april 19.  here's a throwback to our last gettogether, ca. 2005.

the diamond-ring shot glasses will surely get a second life after caitlin's bachelorette party.

with all of this thought and analysis, i got a quick history lesson, but am right back to my original concern ... there is no time for reflection when i can never...  stop...  moving...

arbeit macht frei, friends.

heaven is not a place of idleness

{ESTJ evangelical phenomenon, billy graham}

Fuck You, I'm Juicing

so i just came off my second juice fast in the last few months, and i know everyone is dying to hear the unfiltered version -- literally.  i can't remember why i thought this was a good idea, but i made the mistake of mentioning it to tosca, and then i was locked in by the peer pressure.

i immediately devoured the entire internet plus a few free ebook's worth of information regarding the so-posh-juice-fast-trend.  thankfully, the literature is pretty consistent and so i didn't have to make a lot of decisions (for which i have no basis or concept or context) about what to believe.  now all my loyal fans can benefit from this synopsis.

spring cleaning:  the idea is that you give your body a break from all the energy it spends on digestion, while inundating it with nutrients and enzymes and colors.  and then your body takes that extra energy to do some spring cleaning and healing that otherwise gets pushed aside for more urgent matters, i.e. #2.   i read that three days of juicing is good for you, but then i also read that it takes 4 days to stop digesting (the first 3 days are spent digesting leftovers in the digestive track -- ew -- and the fourth day you live off of something in your liver).  therefore, you don't really get the full benefits until day 5.  then you get 3 days of full-on cleanse.

based on this explanation, i decided on the 7-day fast, and began the countdown.

fuck you, i'm juicing.  i also read about people who do 30 and 100 day juice fasts.  and according to my glamour magazine, it is appropriate to tell someone to f-off if they invite you out to a steakhouse during your juice fast.  zealots.  don't get crazy overboard and rude, people, over your weird alternative lifestyle choice and lack of self-control.

chewing it up and spitting it out:  again, after extensive research, i am pleased to share in one sentence or less: when choosing a juicer, you get what you pay for.  the more expensive juicer will extract more juice and be easier to clean (making it more likely to be used).  there are two types -- (1) a centrifugal juicer which chops up your veggies into tiny pieces and whirls the juice out, and (2) a masticating juicer, which basically chews up your veggies and pees out the juice.  i feel like #2 is the obvious winner.  i settled on the omega J8004 -- after all, it is an entire nutrition center!! ... announced in my best infomercial advertisement voice) -- and have been pleased.

basically, i drank just water and homemade/fresh juice for a week.  there is no specific menu, but you're supposed to shoot for  80% vegetables and 20% fruits (errr how do you measure that?), with at least four 16-ounce juices per day, and 16 ounces of water before and after each juice.  if you're thirsty, drink juice.  if you're hungry, drink juice.  easy peasy, right?

here are my thoughts:

i don't have time for this:  i bet i spent 10 hours in the two days between deciding to juice and when my juicer came in the mail just talking about juicing.  plus, have you seen this shopping list?  (btw, this shopping list is great to give you an idea of what you'll need to get started.)  i'm juicing for two, so that means i need 40 cucumbers.  40.  forty.  4-0.  do they even have 40 cucumbers at safeway?  then i spent more time plotting how to get to the grocery store before tosca, so she didn't buy up all the cucumbers, leaving none for me!

then there is the cleaning, the cutting, the coring (juicing an apple seed will release the cyanide), the smashing things into the juicer and the actual chugging of juice.

i also spent a fair amount of time warning everyone i knew to avoid me at all costs for seven days...

and then:  what am i going to do with all this time?  you know, all the time i usually spend between 8:01 a.m. and 11:38 a.m. trying to decide what to eat for lunch...  i ran a lot of errands on my "lunch" break, made a (small temporary) dent in the mountain of laundry, and billed 9000 extra hours that week.

juicing is fun!  more specifically, the actual making of juice is fun.  the juicer has a little chute you get to shove your veggies in, and you can actually hear it "chewing" the food, then see it peeing out the juice into one cup and excreting the carrot crumbs into another.  (and they are literally dried up tasteless crumbs!)

i was so excited the first time, i took a picture!  even a few months later, i still like this part :)

if it sounds like a bad idea, juice it anyway.  i admit i was skeptical of juicing things like celery and bell peppers, ginger, garlic, parsley, cilantro, lettuce and sweet potato ... pretty much everything i've never seen on the outside of a juice box.  they all turned out OK (lots of times, REALLY GOOD!) and/or are easy to hide under something else.  surprisingly, it's the cucumber that i like least.

in the case of onion though ... mistake.  even if your recipe calls for it, it's a mistake.  don't juice an onion.  ever.

#1.  and #2.  by day 2 at 8 AM, i'd peed no less than 8 times, possibly more, since i went to bed the night before.  and i'm not talking trickle-pees -- these were all-out racehorse-pees.  fluuuuuuush.

when day 3 rolled around, it wasn't exactly "fun," but it was nice to know that when anything was passing through, it was just a bunch of old yucky leftovers that have been hanging out for lord knows how long.  good riddance!

i'm melting, MELTING!  i didn't juice to lose weight and i didn't actually weigh myself at any point during the fast.  i did *feel* skinny despite all the water i was drinking.  i read that it's not a great weight loss strategy because there can be lots of calories in juice -- but you can control this by choosing vegetables over fruits.

be strong, but don't bother being too strong.  after two days of juicing, i had an intense craving for butternut squash soup.  what would i be proving, and to whom, if i skipped that?  i home-made it, without dairy or meat, called it "vegetable broth" and shoveled it right in.

my only real cheating was the day i took my kids to vinny's for lunch and ate a piece of pizza.  i had one piece in lieu of a juice, and still had my 16 ounces of water before and after, stuck with vegetarian and skipped the root beer i'd usually wash it down with.  i feel like it was a good compromise between juicing and actually living life.

and speaking of living life, my kids are officially spoiled.  they also love using the juicer and will ask for *fresh* apple juice....

good thing they're cute.

so now what?  *shrug*  i juiced.  i didn't notice any horrible or miraculous events during the week, although i did live easily without coffee.  all my prior warnings to STAY BACK were unneeded.  i didn't ease myself back into solid foods as recommended, but instead ended the juice fast with a redeye flight to spend the week in a house whose occupant subsists primarily on pop-tarts and hot dogs (love you mom!).  i ate some fast food, a lot of virginia ham and pasta, and a few versions of thanksgiving dinner.  i felt normal and my body worked fine.  my liver did work at maximum efficiency through the holiday season, which was fortunate.

sooooooo in conclusion, i present to you, the +1 effect:  i've seen a lot of reference to the documentary fat, sick and nearly dead as a juicing inspiration.  no, i haven't seen it, and i won't even though it's sitting for free on netflix six feet away at this very moment.  i don't need any propoganda to tell me i eat a lot of oreos and cheesesticks and chocolate croissants from the european cafe.

if anything, i've been inspired by robin quivers and the recent commentary from the howard stern show about her recent book, the veducation of robin.  although she is vegan (RIP cheese!) the take-away from the book is basically this: add one more vegetable to your diet per day.  even that small step can, apparently, have noticeable health benefits.  i call this the +1.  for this reason, i think everyone should juice.

juicing is an easy, easy way to get a +1.  or a +5.  when was the last time you sat down for lunch and an entire head of green leaf lettuce, a cucumber, a pear and a lime?  it's happened exactly zero point zero times in my life.  but it's easy (and fun!) to add in a few servings of fruits and veggies in a juice, especially as an afternoon snack.  this particular version actually tastes just like limeade.

i think i'll do a 7-day fast every 6 months to detox (which is all that is safely recommended) or maybe a 3-day fast every month to keep my innards tidy.  i think it's a good idea, but i don't even think you need to be this extreme to get benefits.  i'll mostly be juicing because it's good.  and so i can continue to eat more cheese-centric and chocolate-centric meals, hopefully without the corresponding expansion of my arteries and behind.

cheers, friends!

p.s. here are a few of my favorite recipes.  i apologize i have not given them any ridiculous cutesy names, so i'll sort them by color:

green:
1 apple
1 or 2 limes
1 cup spinach or lettuce
1 cucumber

brown:
3 oranges
1 red or yellow bell pepper
1 cup spinach

orange:
1 orange or 1 cup pineapple
8 carrots
2 inches ginger root

red:  (somehow this juice is actually salty ... with no salt.  it becomes a nice change to the sweet).
1 beet root
1 orange
2 celery sticks
3 carrots

i also collected quite a few recipes on my pinterest board of the same name, if you're looking for more ideas.  for your own good, please stay away from the one with the onion in it.