25 More Things

it's been over five years since the original revelation of 25 things.  WOW does time fly.  but after this, you will know me twice as well.

1.  i learned to walk in high heels from a glamour magazine 8 years ago.  the trick is to walk on your toes and point them out.  once you do this nearly every day for a few years, you get the hang of it and heels actually become comfortable.

2.  i am a proud and shameless emotional eater.  there are just some tasks that cannot be undertaken without an appropriate amount of chunky monkey under your belt.  i cannot properly set someone in his place on 164 calories of orange and pepper and lettuce juice.  that shit requires LUNCH.  preferably tacos carmelos with avocado and fresh pico de gallo from the verde lea.  (see how emotional i am getting just talking about lunch?)

3.  my signature look is "too much eyeshadow" in any of a variety of glittery colors.

4.  although i gave up baking some time ago (and blame it on the altitude even though i don't technically qualify for high altitude instructions...), my mom did teach me how to make gravy from scratch with no lumps.  this is ironic because my mom is also not known for her culinary arts.  nevertheless, i am glad to be able to contribute something worthwhile to thanksgiving celebrations.  and the same butter-flour-milk technique also makes a fantastic cheese sauce!

5.  i am especially gifted at identifying roadkill.

6.  when i grow up, i want to be a back-up dancer.

7.  i get why hashtags are annoying -- i really do -- but they're so funny i just can't stop.  it's like a whole world of sarcasm that never existed before.  at any given moment, i have a running list of ridiculous ones in my head to be used on the very next photograph my sister posts.  it adds a whole new dimension to the one millionth picture of her painting the interior of her house.  #lesbiansofinstagram #likeaboss #redbeansandricedidmissher #yousabigfinewomanwontyoubackthatthangup #yolobitches

8.  my favorite tv show of all time is futurama.  if you are experiencing a noteworty event, please feel free to consult me for the corresponding futurama episode and life lesson to be learned from fictional aliens/robots/delivery boys listening to the poorly-preserved remains of the beastie boys kickin' it 1000 years in the future.

9.  i have an advanced degree and a successful career, but the biggest accomplishment

of my life thus far is getting my two toddlers to take a nap at the same time.  i know other people who do this too, but those people seem so much more together than me.

10.  i have a favorite spice blend.  it's called cavender's greek seasoning, you can get it at the grocery store, and it's good on EVERYTHING.

11.  i have a second favorite spice blend: herbs de provence, also good on everything.

12.  i am a silverware snob.  i like to eat with good thick heavy silverware, and will dig shamelessly through your silverware drawer to find the most hulking fork available.

13.  i was once high-fived by a stranger after performing a particularly tight parallel parking job.  i brag about it frequently.

14.  i save those extra buttons that come in a little tiny plastic bag attached to new shirts, coats, etc.  i have a whole little drawer of them.  to the best of my recollection, i have never taken a button out of that drawer, for any reason.  (as a result, i still have that one that says "sometimes i like to run around in my underwear for no reason.")

15.  i have zero opinion about whether or not 9/11 might have been a government conspiracy, but i am ANGRY at the candy company conspiracy to change all the candy previously-known-as lime to sour apple flavored.  skittles and sweettarts have been ruined.

16.  i hate drinking out of a straw.  the exception is slurpees and milkshakes, which just aren't the same off of  a spoon and give you a face full of grief if you try to tip over the cup.

17.  the first thing i notice about you is your hands.  then i judge you based on what i see.  and if they're unnaturally small, i am creeped out and we are probably not friends.

18.  i spent a summer in russia when i was in college.  my first memory is looking out the window of my bedroom at a dumpster that said "i hate white people" across the side of it.  i'm happy for the experience, but i cried with happiness when the guy who stamped me back into the US of A said "welcome home."

19.  when i hear about middle schoolers having sex and doing drugs, i'm blown away.  when i was in 7th grade, my friends and i organized a coup against our english teacher, mrs. love, who we most certainly did not love.  we got almost the entire class to stand outside in the hallway until after the bell rang, and arrived tardy en masse.  now that is living life.

20.  i get close-to-vomiting dizzy on the swing set and the merry-go-round.  i ride them with my kids anyway.

21.  my favorite book is jurassic park and i re-read it every year.  while you teeny-boppers are arguing over vampires and werewolves, i continue my eternal internal debate between rugged archaeologist alan grant and the gloomy intellectual mathematician ian malcolm.  *swoon*

22.  i don't do basements.  i flat-out refuse to enter the basement at my office and still run up the stairs at my mom's house before anything can grab me and drag me back down.

23.  i once had the life goal of genetically engineering a polar bear small enough that i could keep it for a pet.  my mom, always the cheerleader, gave me a little tiny one out of her mcdonald's happy meal 15 years ago, that i still have.  (now that i've said it out loud, you know you want one!)

notably, in contrast, at this moment i have zero-point-zero life goals....

24.  i have been using the same plaid flannel pillow on my bed since august of 2000.  my mom bought it for me from kmart when i moved into my freshman dorm because we forgot to pack one -- and ta-da, it now has sentimental value and i will never get rid of it, ever.

25.  my favorite kind of cake is a bundt cake.  for those of you who don't know, that's a shape of cake.  *shrug*