so last night while aaron and i lazily watched game 7 of the ALCS (go rays!) i perused the earth clinic's page on apple cider vinegar cures. i definitely recommend it, purely for entertainment value ... one guy swears that ingesting a small amount of apple cider vinegar daily helped "reduce the incidence of foul-smelling stools"! another woman claimed that after only 3 days of ACV, her hair had grown one full inch. apple cider vinegar allegedly cures baldness, allergies, sinus infections, gout, acne, cold & flus, acid reflux, arthritis, indigestion, joint pain, and athlete's foot. it will help you lose weight, improve your libido, and regulate your blood sugar. it practically erases burns overnight. bathing in it will reduce the appearance of cellulite and disintegrate unsightly moles. people give it to their pets and livestock to improve their health and prevent fleas. no less than 55 people report multiple miracle cures. !!! one guy swears it has reversed the aging process, supremely pissing off his wife with all the attention his newer, younger-looking self is getting.
as you can see, it gets a little ridiculous. and these people all somehow fail to mention the foul-smelling and caustic properties of apple cider vinegar. but since i already OWN some apple cider vinegar which i am probably never going to use (see foul-smelling/caustic above), i have decided to do my own experiment. i will take 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar 2x per day for 2 weeks starting today. i tried a capful in ice water as mary recommended, but it doesn't seem to dilute the intense taste/smell at all, so have returned to the festive cactus shot glass. it's a nice way to start the morning.
i don't have a lot of serious ailments to document improvement on, but on november 3rd, i will report back my amazing results. aaron says: for an attorney, you sure do buy into a lot of ridiculous things you read on the internet. we'll see what he complains about when i wake up in two weeks looking like a barbie doll with superhuman healing powers and rose-scented poops.
20 October 2008
18 October 2008
The Earth Clinic
a little note for those of you who fall into the category of too busy/too poor to go to the doctor: GO TO THE DOCTOR.
this week, i woke up with a sinus infection. it didn't sneak up on me slowly but instead the pain and congestion assaulted me out of nowhere. my head hurt. i couldn't breathe. my ears were tickling. all of the sudden, phlegm was everywhere. being too poor to go to the doctor, i turned to my good friend, the internet, in search of a homeopathic remedy with the hope of preventing the natural progression of the sinus infection to an ear infection. i came across the earth clinic, where silly hippies near and far share their distaste for antibiotics and desperate attempts to avoid prescription medication. here are some of the miraculous remedies i attempted in reverse order of exciting results:
1. change your diet. for sinus infections, this means no sugar and no dairy products. i tried this for a few days, although it is nearly impossible given that those two substances account for about 95% of my daily caloric intake. for example, i decided to do this after my breakfast of baked cinnamon apples and butter pecan ice cream. maybe it works ... it's hard to tell because i get so grumpy sans high fructose corn syrup.
kelley says: i'm not willing to trade ice cream for good health.
2. heat. adding heat to your face helps loosen up the phlegm and get the infection moving. hot shower. hot tea. hot soup. hot compresses. although comforting in the short-term, not very effective at getting to the root of the problem.
kelley says: eh.
(FYI this is where things start getting good.)
3. garlic. apparently garlic and onions have natural antibiotic properties. the earth clinic recommends chopping up fresh garlic, marinating it in olive oil, then dropping the concoction into your ear for 10 to 15 minutes to cure ear pain. OR putting the "heart" of an onion in your ear and covering it with a cottonball overnight. i half-assed the attempt and walked over to the natural food store in search of some garlic capsules.
instead, i found in the herbs for kids section (because please let's project our distaste for medical professionals on sick children), a little glass bottle of "willow/garlic ear oil." ingredients: extra virgin olive oil, fresh garlic cloves, calendula flower, willow bark, usea lichen, vitamin E oil. so except for that fungus thing, it's pretty much like i just cooked it up at home according to the recipe. (and i can sleep well tonight knowing the ingredients are all certifiably organically grown and/or ethically wildly harvested!) i squirted a dropper full into each ear, let it sit, then stuffed in a cottonball. it is fragrant for sure -- i accidentally dripped some out of my ear onto the couch. i tried to angle my head away from aaron at the movie theater. and i had an insane craving for a huge spaghetti dinner all night.
kelley says: since i already own this product, i'll probably try it again sometime when i want to induce a hunger frenzy in my husband. or the next time i wake up with ear pain. or when vampires attack.
4. hydrogen peroxide. ok, some people think hydrogen peroxide is a miracle substance and suggest many ways to use it to fight infection. first, i poured it in my ears. the earth clinic recommends letting it sit until it stops bubbling, then drying the ears out. have you ever seen hydrogen peroxide (or H2O2, as it is affectionately referred to by its worshipers) STOP bubbling? once the H2O2 worked its way into my ear, 15 minutes of bubbling was all i could handle -- and there was no sign of slowing down. even after i attempted to dry my ears out with a Q-tip and hair dryer i could still feel it bubbling an hour later. it did stop the tickling in my ears though.
second, i used it in the neti pot. karrie & kim gave me a neti pot for my birthday, as a joke i think, but once you get used to running a saline solution up one nostril, through your sinus cavity, and out the other side (usually into the bathtub), the nasal douche isn't so bad. aaron gets some good stuff out of there after spending a day at the bike shop breathing in dust and chemicals. my excretions are usually less colorful. boy was i in for a surprise though! i approximated a 1 H2O2: 5 H2O ratio in the neti pot and gave it a whirl.
as promised, it BURNED. and BURNED. and BURNED. i guess it did attack the infection because it actually blocked my sinuses back up with flurries of bubbles that i was eventually able to expel (in humongous bloody, phlegmy blobs) into the bathtub. after i gave up on the pain and cleared the solution out of my nose, my body tried desperately to repel the leftover bubbles through 30+ rapid-fire sneezes which likely rid my sinuses of billions and billions of additional germs.
finally, i tried to gargle with the leftover solution to cure my throat of its tickle. i'm not sure who thinks that adding bubbles to your throat is going to cure a tickle, but that person is wrong. although the peroxide did eventually burn through the mucus stuck to the back of my throat, it was a long, irritating process.
kelley says: the costs in pain and irritation of the bubblies outweigh any perceived benefits.
5. apple cider vinegar. another naturally-occurring miracle. i think the theory is that it changes the pH of your body, making it an undesirable habitat for germs. having just bought some apple cider vinegar to make borscht last week, i thought this would be an easy one. you're supposed to drink a couple tablespoons per day. some people complained about the taste, so i figured the best way to get it in would be via a
shot glass. i've had my fair share of tequila shots (and snakebites) and this could be no worse, right? i measured the apple cider vinegar into my festive cactus-shaped shot glass and gave it a go ... i'm pretty sure it instantaneously began burning a hole into the lining of my stomach. although i began to feel better after chugging a glass of water, it was worse than any tequila shot i've ever had.
realizing that my gag reflex would never allow another shot of apple cider vinegar into my stomach, i then tried breathing in steam from a 50/50 vinegar/water mixture. instead of burning my stomach, it burned my eyes, my throat, and as far inside of my sinuses as i could breathe it in. plus, it made the whole apartment smell like vinegar for 24+ hours. i did NOT put it through the neti pot as was also suggested.
kelley says: i am the owner of a weapon of mass destruction and didn't even know it. i am 100% sure it kills germs and anything else it touches, but am too scared to use it. i'm going to start carrying it in a spray bottle in my purse for personal protection.
in the end, i stocked up on over-the-counter super-sinus medication and feel remarkably better after a few days of diligently following the recommended 4-hour dosage requirements and overloading on vitamin C. although i find these old wives tales (and the rampant enthusiasm for them) very entertaining, next time, i'll go to the doctor. i can wait till i actually have an antibiotic resistance to punish myself with natural remedies again.
this week, i woke up with a sinus infection. it didn't sneak up on me slowly but instead the pain and congestion assaulted me out of nowhere. my head hurt. i couldn't breathe. my ears were tickling. all of the sudden, phlegm was everywhere. being too poor to go to the doctor, i turned to my good friend, the internet, in search of a homeopathic remedy with the hope of preventing the natural progression of the sinus infection to an ear infection. i came across the earth clinic, where silly hippies near and far share their distaste for antibiotics and desperate attempts to avoid prescription medication. here are some of the miraculous remedies i attempted in reverse order of exciting results:
1. change your diet. for sinus infections, this means no sugar and no dairy products. i tried this for a few days, although it is nearly impossible given that those two substances account for about 95% of my daily caloric intake. for example, i decided to do this after my breakfast of baked cinnamon apples and butter pecan ice cream. maybe it works ... it's hard to tell because i get so grumpy sans high fructose corn syrup.
kelley says: i'm not willing to trade ice cream for good health.
2. heat. adding heat to your face helps loosen up the phlegm and get the infection moving. hot shower. hot tea. hot soup. hot compresses. although comforting in the short-term, not very effective at getting to the root of the problem.
kelley says: eh.
(FYI this is where things start getting good.)
3. garlic. apparently garlic and onions have natural antibiotic properties. the earth clinic recommends chopping up fresh garlic, marinating it in olive oil, then dropping the concoction into your ear for 10 to 15 minutes to cure ear pain. OR putting the "heart" of an onion in your ear and covering it with a cottonball overnight. i half-assed the attempt and walked over to the natural food store in search of some garlic capsules.
instead, i found in the herbs for kids section (because please let's project our distaste for medical professionals on sick children), a little glass bottle of "willow/garlic ear oil." ingredients: extra virgin olive oil, fresh garlic cloves, calendula flower, willow bark, usea lichen, vitamin E oil. so except for that fungus thing, it's pretty much like i just cooked it up at home according to the recipe. (and i can sleep well tonight knowing the ingredients are all certifiably organically grown and/or ethically wildly harvested!) i squirted a dropper full into each ear, let it sit, then stuffed in a cottonball. it is fragrant for sure -- i accidentally dripped some out of my ear onto the couch. i tried to angle my head away from aaron at the movie theater. and i had an insane craving for a huge spaghetti dinner all night.
kelley says: since i already own this product, i'll probably try it again sometime when i want to induce a hunger frenzy in my husband. or the next time i wake up with ear pain. or when vampires attack.
4. hydrogen peroxide. ok, some people think hydrogen peroxide is a miracle substance and suggest many ways to use it to fight infection. first, i poured it in my ears. the earth clinic recommends letting it sit until it stops bubbling, then drying the ears out. have you ever seen hydrogen peroxide (or H2O2, as it is affectionately referred to by its worshipers) STOP bubbling? once the H2O2 worked its way into my ear, 15 minutes of bubbling was all i could handle -- and there was no sign of slowing down. even after i attempted to dry my ears out with a Q-tip and hair dryer i could still feel it bubbling an hour later. it did stop the tickling in my ears though.
second, i used it in the neti pot. karrie & kim gave me a neti pot for my birthday, as a joke i think, but once you get used to running a saline solution up one nostril, through your sinus cavity, and out the other side (usually into the bathtub), the nasal douche isn't so bad. aaron gets some good stuff out of there after spending a day at the bike shop breathing in dust and chemicals. my excretions are usually less colorful. boy was i in for a surprise though! i approximated a 1 H2O2: 5 H2O ratio in the neti pot and gave it a whirl.
as promised, it BURNED. and BURNED. and BURNED. i guess it did attack the infection because it actually blocked my sinuses back up with flurries of bubbles that i was eventually able to expel (in humongous bloody, phlegmy blobs) into the bathtub. after i gave up on the pain and cleared the solution out of my nose, my body tried desperately to repel the leftover bubbles through 30+ rapid-fire sneezes which likely rid my sinuses of billions and billions of additional germs.
finally, i tried to gargle with the leftover solution to cure my throat of its tickle. i'm not sure who thinks that adding bubbles to your throat is going to cure a tickle, but that person is wrong. although the peroxide did eventually burn through the mucus stuck to the back of my throat, it was a long, irritating process.
kelley says: the costs in pain and irritation of the bubblies outweigh any perceived benefits.
5. apple cider vinegar. another naturally-occurring miracle. i think the theory is that it changes the pH of your body, making it an undesirable habitat for germs. having just bought some apple cider vinegar to make borscht last week, i thought this would be an easy one. you're supposed to drink a couple tablespoons per day. some people complained about the taste, so i figured the best way to get it in would be via a
shot glass. i've had my fair share of tequila shots (and snakebites) and this could be no worse, right? i measured the apple cider vinegar into my festive cactus-shaped shot glass and gave it a go ... i'm pretty sure it instantaneously began burning a hole into the lining of my stomach. although i began to feel better after chugging a glass of water, it was worse than any tequila shot i've ever had.realizing that my gag reflex would never allow another shot of apple cider vinegar into my stomach, i then tried breathing in steam from a 50/50 vinegar/water mixture. instead of burning my stomach, it burned my eyes, my throat, and as far inside of my sinuses as i could breathe it in. plus, it made the whole apartment smell like vinegar for 24+ hours. i did NOT put it through the neti pot as was also suggested.
kelley says: i am the owner of a weapon of mass destruction and didn't even know it. i am 100% sure it kills germs and anything else it touches, but am too scared to use it. i'm going to start carrying it in a spray bottle in my purse for personal protection.
in the end, i stocked up on over-the-counter super-sinus medication and feel remarkably better after a few days of diligently following the recommended 4-hour dosage requirements and overloading on vitamin C. although i find these old wives tales (and the rampant enthusiasm for them) very entertaining, next time, i'll go to the doctor. i can wait till i actually have an antibiotic resistance to punish myself with natural remedies again.
10 October 2008
Dumbass
i love wind. it is refreshing and powerful and clean. it will also burrow an icy hole into your skin and blow your hair into your newly-applied lip gloss if you're not careful.
last night i went outside and sat on the front stoop to breathe in the 40 mph wind gusts. in the dark. in my underwear. "you're a dumbass," my husband said as he propped open the door and drove off on some boy errand. wind is his least favorite weather phenomena.
as soon as he pulled away, a big gust of wind blew the door shut. shit. i mean, shoot.
so what is the thought process of a highly-educated person who finds herself scantily-clad, locked out of her apartment without her purse, and shoeless in a city where she knows no one? first: whatever, aaron will be home soon. i went about my business of enjoying the wind -- surprised at how warm it was in the lulls between gusts. i checked out the stars above flag, the first international dark-sky city. i scared off the raccoons that emerged from the bushes. second: this is boring. i read the newspaper someone left on the stoop. i searched for and found the three constellations i can recognize. i pulled some weeds from the flower bed.
then: i really don't want it mentioned at my funeral that i froze to death on a stoop in my underwear. i reviewed in my mind every fact about hypothermia and frostbite i learned from reading call of the wild in 4th grade. i confirmed that my skin was not turning white. i tested out different parts of the yard for minimal wind exposure. i considered wrapping myself in the newspaper. i walked around the building, peering in windows, and confirmed what i already guessed from casing the parking lot: no one else was home. and as my teeth chattered uncontrollably: should i walk out to the highway in my undies? maybe someone will stop and let me use their cell phone without also sexually assaulting me?
that is when my law school education comes in handy and i remember necessity as a defense to trespass. (too little too late, you say? i'll take flashes of brilliance when i can get them...) i found 2 locked cars in the warehouse parking lot and headed back to the SUV belonging to apartment #6. that guy is weird and stinks and has a "nutcake" bumper sticker (???) but it looks like he lives out of that SUV so there must be a blanket or coat or sleeping bag or canoe in there. i came to apartment #4's sedan first -- SCORE. she apparently sees no reason to lock up her granola bars, sonic cups, and factory-issued tape deck. i borrowed the towel on the backseat and a handful of quarters from the dash and began my trek to the nearest pay phone.
thankfully, the shell station was closed, so i enjoyed some privacy from the drunk natives usually hanging around the phone booth, shivering in my makeshift towel skirt and bare feet. aaron, this is kelley. i'm locked out. yes, i'm calling from a pay phone. yes, at the shell station. yes, i walked here. yes, in my underwear.
i couldn't even look at aaron when he arrived to pick me up because i knew that if i did, i would bust out laughing hysterically at what an idiot i am and the drama queen side of me absolutely would not allow anything but mortification at my near-death experience, and although he never said it, the "i told you so" looming in the air.
finally, the epiphany: when did i start taking myself so seriously? the time for drama is over. i laugh at the time kim and i literally beat down our own christmas tree with what we thought was an axe but was in reality a splitting maul (explaining why our "axe" didn't actually CUT the tree). i laugh at the time i threw up gallons and gallons of peaches after spending a day canning them with rebekah. i laugh at the time i got sent to the principal's office for wearing a sign around school that read "i am a flaming bitch from the deep dark caves of hell." i'm sure you all are laughing at me right now too.
so i survived my evening in the wind with no permanent injury and returned apartment #4's things to her car (plus some bonus quarters!) without incident. this will be the last time i leave the apartment sans keys, cell phone and/or pants, but i'm sure not my last chance to laugh at myself... laughter which i will NOT be holding back. after 26 years, i'm (still) OK with dumbass.
last night i went outside and sat on the front stoop to breathe in the 40 mph wind gusts. in the dark. in my underwear. "you're a dumbass," my husband said as he propped open the door and drove off on some boy errand. wind is his least favorite weather phenomena.
as soon as he pulled away, a big gust of wind blew the door shut. shit. i mean, shoot.
so what is the thought process of a highly-educated person who finds herself scantily-clad, locked out of her apartment without her purse, and shoeless in a city where she knows no one? first: whatever, aaron will be home soon. i went about my business of enjoying the wind -- surprised at how warm it was in the lulls between gusts. i checked out the stars above flag, the first international dark-sky city. i scared off the raccoons that emerged from the bushes. second: this is boring. i read the newspaper someone left on the stoop. i searched for and found the three constellations i can recognize. i pulled some weeds from the flower bed.
then: i really don't want it mentioned at my funeral that i froze to death on a stoop in my underwear. i reviewed in my mind every fact about hypothermia and frostbite i learned from reading call of the wild in 4th grade. i confirmed that my skin was not turning white. i tested out different parts of the yard for minimal wind exposure. i considered wrapping myself in the newspaper. i walked around the building, peering in windows, and confirmed what i already guessed from casing the parking lot: no one else was home. and as my teeth chattered uncontrollably: should i walk out to the highway in my undies? maybe someone will stop and let me use their cell phone without also sexually assaulting me?
that is when my law school education comes in handy and i remember necessity as a defense to trespass. (too little too late, you say? i'll take flashes of brilliance when i can get them...) i found 2 locked cars in the warehouse parking lot and headed back to the SUV belonging to apartment #6. that guy is weird and stinks and has a "nutcake" bumper sticker (???) but it looks like he lives out of that SUV so there must be a blanket or coat or sleeping bag or canoe in there. i came to apartment #4's sedan first -- SCORE. she apparently sees no reason to lock up her granola bars, sonic cups, and factory-issued tape deck. i borrowed the towel on the backseat and a handful of quarters from the dash and began my trek to the nearest pay phone.
thankfully, the shell station was closed, so i enjoyed some privacy from the drunk natives usually hanging around the phone booth, shivering in my makeshift towel skirt and bare feet. aaron, this is kelley. i'm locked out. yes, i'm calling from a pay phone. yes, at the shell station. yes, i walked here. yes, in my underwear.
i couldn't even look at aaron when he arrived to pick me up because i knew that if i did, i would bust out laughing hysterically at what an idiot i am and the drama queen side of me absolutely would not allow anything but mortification at my near-death experience, and although he never said it, the "i told you so" looming in the air.
finally, the epiphany: when did i start taking myself so seriously? the time for drama is over. i laugh at the time kim and i literally beat down our own christmas tree with what we thought was an axe but was in reality a splitting maul (explaining why our "axe" didn't actually CUT the tree). i laugh at the time i threw up gallons and gallons of peaches after spending a day canning them with rebekah. i laugh at the time i got sent to the principal's office for wearing a sign around school that read "i am a flaming bitch from the deep dark caves of hell." i'm sure you all are laughing at me right now too.
so i survived my evening in the wind with no permanent injury and returned apartment #4's things to her car (plus some bonus quarters!) without incident. this will be the last time i leave the apartment sans keys, cell phone and/or pants, but i'm sure not my last chance to laugh at myself... laughter which i will NOT be holding back. after 26 years, i'm (still) OK with dumbass.
blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
{author unknown, courtesy of beav}
{author unknown, courtesy of beav}
06 October 2008
Movin' & Shakin'
so the past eight weeks of internet silence have been a strange mixture of insanity and lethargy, much of which i will save for a later date, when the sanity and energy return. however, there have been some notable developments.
1. i have become slightly more identifiable in an FBI line-up (depending on which body part the witness got a glimpse of). first, i bent down in front of the entertainment center one day, and stood up in just the perfect way so that the corner of the glass door jabbed me right in the hip. yay for long, bloody, jagged gashes. it's fading nicely with all those womanly stretchmarks, but DANG it hurt.
then, i crashed my bike running errands around town. about 20 minutes later on the same day, i crashed my bike again. whoops. of course i had a mini skirt on because it is important to be cute while you are riding your bicycle around town. luckily, i landed on my right side both times, intensifying the bloody scrape from my ankle to my hip and the gigantic bruise on my elbow. and i only got one rock lodged under my skin that eventually worked its way out. i have been crash-free ever since i got the skull-shaped valve covers with burning red eyes to protect me from those vicious rocks & sticks that appear without warning on the sidewalk.
finally, i jumped off a 100-foot cliff into crystal creek outside of winslow, AZ. no big deal when i was 16 -- almost killed me at 26. this is the kind of danger that can arise from trying to be more badass than your husband. in a joint effort with my sister the nurse, aaron's brother the chiropractor, and the glorious internet, i diagnosed myself with a back sprain and forewent a trip to the doctor. side note: karrie did help keep things in perspective by pointing out to me that if i did go to the doctor, i needed to be sure to request the extra-long neck brace (or maybe two stuck together) to properly secure my giant giraffe neck. although no scars from this, i do occasionally make aaron check me out for the beginnings of a hunchback. because it doesn't matter what kind of skirt you're wearing on your bicycle, you're not cute if you have a hunchback. so far so good.
2. aaron and i trekked back to VA for a delayed-onset wedding reception. my family (and associated committees) worked really hard and it was really a nice, celebratory event. we co-mingled our parents. lots of surprise guests -- including my kindergarden teacher -- family, and old friends. the cupcakes were adorable.
i honored my family with song. side note: who knew my momma and aunt barb had such good shoulder dances in them? (appropriately discovered during juvenile's family-friendly hit: momma got ass.) the food was good. bob schneider provided the background tunes. the weather was gorgeous. and aaron finished up the dregs of the keg the next morning.
i'm still trying to figure out how to get an electronic copy of the scrapbook my mom secretly put together of aaron and i through the years. it is unbelievably adorable. there's one page where you can barely tell the difference between us. oh except, as aaron pointed out, i'm twice the size of him.
although i feel like the event cemented aaron into the family, it reminded me exactly why i chose the 7-person wedding. and i didn't even have to DO anything for this event except show up and look pretty.
3. back when aaron and i first became BFF, renting a margarita machine was on the top of our to-do list (along with a paper football rematch, stealing his brother's corvette, and find a perfect tumbleweed
which we would then mail to my mother...). so naturally a frozen margarita machine was a perfect wedding gift! our first batch of margaritas, though delicious, were not very frosty -- despite the look of pure excitement on my face. but they were still margaritas, so who's complaining!?! and no worries: we are ready to employ the scientific method of trial-and-error in order to achieve margarita perfection.
4. many, many abnormally large felines have been sighted in and around our neighborhood. just yesterday on our sunday drive, aaron slammed on the brakes and backed us down a residential street to check out the enormous cat sitting on someone's front stoop. i did not get to see it in motion, but my husband assured me it was fantastic. then, last night after our cookout, aaron swerved out of the drive to our apartment when a flash of white out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. unfortunately i was too stunned/giggly to capture him whipping into a parking spot, flipping on the brights, and running in pursuit of the beast.
i continue to adore these silly things about my husband, who will cause a traffic accident to get a good look at the animal that just crossed the street in front of us and is perfectly entertained sitting in his truck outside the alpaca farm with me for 20 minutes making fun of their silly haircuts.
despite the insanity .... there's still a reason to smile for the camera.
1. i have become slightly more identifiable in an FBI line-up (depending on which body part the witness got a glimpse of). first, i bent down in front of the entertainment center one day, and stood up in just the perfect way so that the corner of the glass door jabbed me right in the hip. yay for long, bloody, jagged gashes. it's fading nicely with all those womanly stretchmarks, but DANG it hurt.
then, i crashed my bike running errands around town. about 20 minutes later on the same day, i crashed my bike again. whoops. of course i had a mini skirt on because it is important to be cute while you are riding your bicycle around town. luckily, i landed on my right side both times, intensifying the bloody scrape from my ankle to my hip and the gigantic bruise on my elbow. and i only got one rock lodged under my skin that eventually worked its way out. i have been crash-free ever since i got the skull-shaped valve covers with burning red eyes to protect me from those vicious rocks & sticks that appear without warning on the sidewalk.
finally, i jumped off a 100-foot cliff into crystal creek outside of winslow, AZ. no big deal when i was 16 -- almost killed me at 26. this is the kind of danger that can arise from trying to be more badass than your husband. in a joint effort with my sister the nurse, aaron's brother the chiropractor, and the glorious internet, i diagnosed myself with a back sprain and forewent a trip to the doctor. side note: karrie did help keep things in perspective by pointing out to me that if i did go to the doctor, i needed to be sure to request the extra-long neck brace (or maybe two stuck together) to properly secure my giant giraffe neck. although no scars from this, i do occasionally make aaron check me out for the beginnings of a hunchback. because it doesn't matter what kind of skirt you're wearing on your bicycle, you're not cute if you have a hunchback. so far so good.
2. aaron and i trekked back to VA for a delayed-onset wedding reception. my family (and associated committees) worked really hard and it was really a nice, celebratory event. we co-mingled our parents. lots of surprise guests -- including my kindergarden teacher -- family, and old friends. the cupcakes were adorable.
i honored my family with song. side note: who knew my momma and aunt barb had such good shoulder dances in them? (appropriately discovered during juvenile's family-friendly hit: momma got ass.) the food was good. bob schneider provided the background tunes. the weather was gorgeous. and aaron finished up the dregs of the keg the next morning.i'm still trying to figure out how to get an electronic copy of the scrapbook my mom secretly put together of aaron and i through the years. it is unbelievably adorable. there's one page where you can barely tell the difference between us. oh except, as aaron pointed out, i'm twice the size of him.
although i feel like the event cemented aaron into the family, it reminded me exactly why i chose the 7-person wedding. and i didn't even have to DO anything for this event except show up and look pretty.
3. back when aaron and i first became BFF, renting a margarita machine was on the top of our to-do list (along with a paper football rematch, stealing his brother's corvette, and find a perfect tumbleweed
which we would then mail to my mother...). so naturally a frozen margarita machine was a perfect wedding gift! our first batch of margaritas, though delicious, were not very frosty -- despite the look of pure excitement on my face. but they were still margaritas, so who's complaining!?! and no worries: we are ready to employ the scientific method of trial-and-error in order to achieve margarita perfection.4. many, many abnormally large felines have been sighted in and around our neighborhood. just yesterday on our sunday drive, aaron slammed on the brakes and backed us down a residential street to check out the enormous cat sitting on someone's front stoop. i did not get to see it in motion, but my husband assured me it was fantastic. then, last night after our cookout, aaron swerved out of the drive to our apartment when a flash of white out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. unfortunately i was too stunned/giggly to capture him whipping into a parking spot, flipping on the brights, and running in pursuit of the beast.
i continue to adore these silly things about my husband, who will cause a traffic accident to get a good look at the animal that just crossed the street in front of us and is perfectly entertained sitting in his truck outside the alpaca farm with me for 20 minutes making fun of their silly haircuts.
despite the insanity .... there's still a reason to smile for the camera.
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