the oral surgeon told me last week that pediatrics is an ever-changing field of what's "in fashion" and should essentially be disgarded at your convenience. apparently, taking prescription painkillers while you're breastfeeding is no longer fashionable. side note: i have seen this phenomenon first hand, even with panzer and mohs being only 18 months apart. i maintained an appropriately deferential look at mohs' first appointment when the pediatrician informed me that breastfed babies NEED vitamin D supplements or are at risk of developing rickets. i now know that rickets is a pretty serious bone disorder common in developing countries and resulting from famine or starvation. however, it's hard to take this concern seriously when P, breastfed less than 2 years earlier, maxes out the height chart and is doing his best to simultaneously conquer and demolish the entire office in our short visit, with not a drop of vitamin D supplement having ever passed his infant lips.
anyway, it is clear that breastfeeding is fashionable. and rightly so, given the obvious and proven benefits to your child. but let's be clear "bf moms," milk production is not life's biggest accomplishment. in fact, it's a completely natural, unsolicited effect of mammalian reproduction, commonly exploited in farm animals.
and it's weird -- for me and everyone else. in fact, i've had no less than 4 awkward breastfeeding encounters since easter. here's what i've learned:
#1 -- the park. P got invited to an easter egg hunt hosted by his babysitter for her playgroup. i took off of work to run him over to the park, watch him be completely disinterested in egg-hunting (at least until he discovered they were filled with goodies!) and lead all the other kids to and through the giant puddle of reclamated water, and ... chit chat with other moms. which chit chat soon took an ugly turn when mom-1 saw mom-2 breastfeeding (under her tent, praise the lord, see #2) and said "i miss breastfeeding so much!" wait, what?
first, who in their right mind misses having a leech attached to her boob? and even if, in the moment, it is touching and miraculous that women can not only grow entire human beings in their uteruses and then squeeze them out their hoo-has, but also manufacture sustenance for the child, the miracle wears off when it occurs every two hours. for those of you rusty in third grade math -- that's 8 to 12 times per day. every day. for as long as you can stand it.
second, who needs to know that? certainly not me. next time, just go ahead and air some details about your year-long battle with yeast. breastfeeding is natural and healthy, but the enthusiasm is just too much.
this of course spawned a lengthy and animated discussion amongst moms-1-through-10 about the miracle of life. i was actually glad to send P on his way and go back to the office. lesson learned: i am clearly not equipped to interact safely and appropriately with stay-at-home moms. consider yourself warned.
#2 -- the library. the week after i brought mohs home from the hospital, i tried to be a good mom and take panzer to baby playtime at the library. side note: again, while the other kids sat quietly in their moms' laps, stared intently at the storyteller, and clapped along with each song, my son ran completely amuk, opening and slamming doors, stealing other kids' toys, and generally slapping around his peers. while i was chasing P up some stairs, i had to manuever around a mom who looked like she was trying to smuggle a struggling two-year-old under her shirt. when she released the girl, i got a full frontal.
first, your kid is two. she should be able to sit still while she eats -- in fact, that is the only thing that P sits still for. and second, your kid is two. she can wait till she gets home in 30 minutes to have a snack. and if she can't, send her to the water fountain. lesson learned: come prepared. i have never left the house without a baggie of goldfish crackers again. also, thank you bf mom in #1 who used the appropriate paraphernalia. i will follow your example.
#3 --the mommy's lounge. i admit it sounds good in theory -- a little area to the side of the ladies' restroom with leather couches and unassuming landscape paintings where you can take a break from shopping and feed your child in peace and harmony. unfortunately, although no one can really see your baby, everyone knows its under there. so in practice, every old lady who walks by wants to know his age, sex, weight at birth, and favorite lullabye, and then tell you at least one ancient story about their own babies, presumably in the hopes that baby will finish up and they can catch a glimpse of his cute little cheeks. i admit that i crane my neck to peer into strollers and carriers to look at babies in the grocery store. but i am confident in saying that the the risk of seeing a stranger's boob while i do so is approaching zero.
even worse, is the risk of breastfeeding en masse. when you're all lined up (enduring the same awful Q&A and storytime from the heiffer next to you) it really is like the dairy farm i visited in first grade, except i don't get to bring my aunt barbara as a chaperone or eat ice cream until i throw up. (lame!) lesson learned: go solo. i was more anonymous in the hustle and bustle of the food court.
and finally #4 -- the pool. all summer, my in-laws have been taking panzer to the city pool for family night on thursdays, and i decided to chime in to watch P have the time of his life. that kid loves running water. anyway, as anticipated, mohs' feeding schedule did not cooperate with pool time (since all the time is dinnertime), so i grabbed my tent, sat discreetly in the corner, and watched quietly from afar.
at least i was quiet until some doofus teenage lifeguard came over to let me know that "there were complaints." i may have then informed him that arizona revised statutes section 41-1443 specifically gives me the right to breastfeed in a public place where i am otherwise lawfully present. i may also have let him know that i am exempt from public indecency laws while breastfeeding and can go sit in the middle of the pool topless if i want. and i may also have threatened to sue him and the entire town of prescott valley if he even dare suggest that i stop feeding my child. then i asked him to please let me know if there were any more complaints so i could address them directly myself.
luckily there were no more complaints, because breastfeeding does not exempt you from a lot of other criminal laws, like those for assault and battery. lesson learned: don't mess with the bf mom. whether its the hormones, the sleep-deprivation, the desperation, or the misplaced pride, and whether she deserves any deference or not, a bf mom has one up on you. she can show you her boob with impunity -- throwing you off your game -- and then accuse of you of trying to take food out of her baby's mouth -- to which there is no legitimate response.
and so, i am left to endure the madness.
