Fuck You, I'm Juicing

so i just came off my second juice fast in the last few months, and i know everyone is dying to hear the unfiltered version -- literally.  i can't remember why i thought this was a good idea, but i made the mistake of mentioning it to tosca, and then i was locked in by the peer pressure.

i immediately devoured the entire internet plus a few free ebook's worth of information regarding the so-posh-juice-fast-trend.  thankfully, the literature is pretty consistent and so i didn't have to make a lot of decisions (for which i have no basis or concept or context) about what to believe.  now all my loyal fans can benefit from this synopsis.

spring cleaning:  the idea is that you give your body a break from all the energy it spends on digestion, while inundating it with nutrients and enzymes and colors.  and then your body takes that extra energy to do some spring cleaning and healing that otherwise gets pushed aside for more urgent matters, i.e. #2.   i read that three days of juicing is good for you, but then i also read that it takes 4 days to stop digesting (the first 3 days are spent digesting leftovers in the digestive track -- ew -- and the fourth day you live off of something in your liver).  therefore, you don't really get the full benefits until day 5.  then you get 3 days of full-on cleanse.

based on this explanation, i decided on the 7-day fast, and began the countdown.

fuck you, i'm juicing.  i also read about people who do 30 and 100 day juice fasts.  and according to my glamour magazine, it is appropriate to tell someone to f-off if they invite you out to a steakhouse during your juice fast.  zealots.  don't get crazy overboard and rude, people, over your weird alternative lifestyle choice and lack of self-control.

chewing it up and spitting it out:  again, after extensive research, i am pleased to share in one sentence or less: when choosing a juicer, you get what you pay for.  the more expensive juicer will extract more juice and be easier to clean (making it more likely to be used).  there are two types -- (1) a centrifugal juicer which chops up your veggies into tiny pieces and whirls the juice out, and (2) a masticating juicer, which basically chews up your veggies and pees out the juice.  i feel like #2 is the obvious winner.  i settled on the omega J8004 -- after all, it is an entire nutrition center!! ... announced in my best infomercial advertisement voice) -- and have been pleased.

basically, i drank just water and homemade/fresh juice for a week.  there is no specific menu, but you're supposed to shoot for  80% vegetables and 20% fruits (errr how do you measure that?), with at least four 16-ounce juices per day, and 16 ounces of water before and after each juice.  if you're thirsty, drink juice.  if you're hungry, drink juice.  easy peasy, right?

here are my thoughts:

i don't have time for this:  i bet i spent 10 hours in the two days between deciding to juice and when my juicer came in the mail just talking about juicing.  plus, have you seen this shopping list?  (btw, this shopping list is great to give you an idea of what you'll need to get started.)  i'm juicing for two, so that means i need 40 cucumbers.  40.  forty.  4-0.  do they even have 40 cucumbers at safeway?  then i spent more time plotting how to get to the grocery store before tosca, so she didn't buy up all the cucumbers, leaving none for me!

then there is the cleaning, the cutting, the coring (juicing an apple seed will release the cyanide), the smashing things into the juicer and the actual chugging of juice.

i also spent a fair amount of time warning everyone i knew to avoid me at all costs for seven days...

and then:  what am i going to do with all this time?  you know, all the time i usually spend between 8:01 a.m. and 11:38 a.m. trying to decide what to eat for lunch...  i ran a lot of errands on my "lunch" break, made a (small temporary) dent in the mountain of laundry, and billed 9000 extra hours that week.

juicing is fun!  more specifically, the actual making of juice is fun.  the juicer has a little chute you get to shove your veggies in, and you can actually hear it "chewing" the food, then see it peeing out the juice into one cup and excreting the carrot crumbs into another.  (and they are literally dried up tasteless crumbs!)

i was so excited the first time, i took a picture!  even a few months later, i still like this part :)

if it sounds like a bad idea, juice it anyway.  i admit i was skeptical of juicing things like celery and bell peppers, ginger, garlic, parsley, cilantro, lettuce and sweet potato ... pretty much everything i've never seen on the outside of a juice box.  they all turned out OK (lots of times, REALLY GOOD!) and/or are easy to hide under something else.  surprisingly, it's the cucumber that i like least.

in the case of onion though ... mistake.  even if your recipe calls for it, it's a mistake.  don't juice an onion.  ever.

#1.  and #2.  by day 2 at 8 AM, i'd peed no less than 8 times, possibly more, since i went to bed the night before.  and i'm not talking trickle-pees -- these were all-out racehorse-pees.  fluuuuuuush.

when day 3 rolled around, it wasn't exactly "fun," but it was nice to know that when anything was passing through, it was just a bunch of old yucky leftovers that have been hanging out for lord knows how long.  good riddance!

i'm melting, MELTING!  i didn't juice to lose weight and i didn't actually weigh myself at any point during the fast.  i did *feel* skinny despite all the water i was drinking.  i read that it's not a great weight loss strategy because there can be lots of calories in juice -- but you can control this by choosing vegetables over fruits.

be strong, but don't bother being too strong.  after two days of juicing, i had an intense craving for butternut squash soup.  what would i be proving, and to whom, if i skipped that?  i home-made it, without dairy or meat, called it "vegetable broth" and shoveled it right in.

my only real cheating was the day i took my kids to vinny's for lunch and ate a piece of pizza.  i had one piece in lieu of a juice, and still had my 16 ounces of water before and after, stuck with vegetarian and skipped the root beer i'd usually wash it down with.  i feel like it was a good compromise between juicing and actually living life.

and speaking of living life, my kids are officially spoiled.  they also love using the juicer and will ask for *fresh* apple juice....

good thing they're cute.

so now what?  *shrug*  i juiced.  i didn't notice any horrible or miraculous events during the week, although i did live easily without coffee.  all my prior warnings to STAY BACK were unneeded.  i didn't ease myself back into solid foods as recommended, but instead ended the juice fast with a redeye flight to spend the week in a house whose occupant subsists primarily on pop-tarts and hot dogs (love you mom!).  i ate some fast food, a lot of virginia ham and pasta, and a few versions of thanksgiving dinner.  i felt normal and my body worked fine.  my liver did work at maximum efficiency through the holiday season, which was fortunate.

sooooooo in conclusion, i present to you, the +1 effect:  i've seen a lot of reference to the documentary fat, sick and nearly dead as a juicing inspiration.  no, i haven't seen it, and i won't even though it's sitting for free on netflix six feet away at this very moment.  i don't need any propoganda to tell me i eat a lot of oreos and cheesesticks and chocolate croissants from the european cafe.

if anything, i've been inspired by robin quivers and the recent commentary from the howard stern show about her recent book, the veducation of robin.  although she is vegan (RIP cheese!) the take-away from the book is basically this: add one more vegetable to your diet per day.  even that small step can, apparently, have noticeable health benefits.  i call this the +1.  for this reason, i think everyone should juice.

juicing is an easy, easy way to get a +1.  or a +5.  when was the last time you sat down for lunch and an entire head of green leaf lettuce, a cucumber, a pear and a lime?  it's happened exactly zero point zero times in my life.  but it's easy (and fun!) to add in a few servings of fruits and veggies in a juice, especially as an afternoon snack.  this particular version actually tastes just like limeade.

i think i'll do a 7-day fast every 6 months to detox (which is all that is safely recommended) or maybe a 3-day fast every month to keep my innards tidy.  i think it's a good idea, but i don't even think you need to be this extreme to get benefits.  i'll mostly be juicing because it's good.  and so i can continue to eat more cheese-centric and chocolate-centric meals, hopefully without the corresponding expansion of my arteries and behind.

cheers, friends!

p.s. here are a few of my favorite recipes.  i apologize i have not given them any ridiculous cutesy names, so i'll sort them by color:

green:
1 apple
1 or 2 limes
1 cup spinach or lettuce
1 cucumber

brown:
3 oranges
1 red or yellow bell pepper
1 cup spinach

orange:
1 orange or 1 cup pineapple
8 carrots
2 inches ginger root

red:  (somehow this juice is actually salty ... with no salt.  it becomes a nice change to the sweet).
1 beet root
1 orange
2 celery sticks
3 carrots

i also collected quite a few recipes on my pinterest board of the same name, if you're looking for more ideas.  for your own good, please stay away from the one with the onion in it.

2013 Or Bust

well, it's now january 18, 2013, so i may just bust as the year is already 4.9% over.  but first, i will complain.  i hate new year's eve.  i hate countdowns.  i hate staying up late.  i hate nostalgia.

BUT i like new year's day.  i like sales on shiny happy things.  i like eating black-eyed peas for good luck.  i like making lots of silly exaggerated jokes about how this is the best sale and best black-eyed peas i've seen all year!

and i like an excuse to try to be better.  this year:

I WILL live more frugally, more simply, and more naturally.  don't go too overboard on me.  basically, i want to be (more) the type of person who doesn't kill more than she can eat, and who uses the entire buffalo.  first stop -- making my own all-natural cleaner out of vinegar and citrus peels.  FYI you can stop your search here, "clean more" is nowhere to be found on this list.  but when i do clean, I WILL do it with something that my kids can lick off the floor.

i've also already started stockpiling vegetable scraps in the freezer so i can make my own stock.  i WILL have a bouillon-free 2013!  i accept this is probably the lamest new years resolution ever, but i like to cook and i'm thirty.  so whatev.

i'm toying with composting, but am not committed enough to put it in capital letters.  the thought of voluntarily keeping garbage, yard waste, and worms around 2 curious toddlers is a little scary.  especially when you consider the mess that can be made from a mere teaspoon of sticky, purple dimetapp.  nor am i sure what i could do with compost when our sparse vegetation grows happily out of a pile of rocks.

along these lines, I WILL continue to be easily entertained.  and I WILL appreciate the little things.  i am inspired by aaron's appreciation for antiques and rarities.  over the holidays, he was gifted two very simple old bottle openers that he had previously found in a drawer that were made decades ago in philadelphia when it was a huge brewing operation.  before present-opening had concluded, he was already on the internet researching and spewing further obscure facts re their origin and composition.  i haven't seen them since we got home, so i can only assume he hid them somewhere safe that neither the kids or i can tamper with.  later in the weekend, he spent an hour discussing with my mom's husband's sister's husband's sister a  photograph of her father in front of what may or may not have been a model T.  i'm not sure what the outcome was, but A was all-in.  anyway, if you have any old crap that you want to have a good home with someone who appreciates it, will it to my husband, and he will appreciate the hell out of it, and hide it from the rest of us.  (but we still like the weiner's circle and ice cream cones, so there!)

I WILL live more calmly and with less control.  realistically, what do i control anyway?

I WILL massively deplete my wardrobe.  although i fit into everything, i know in my heart of hearts that while i enjoy and benefit from retail therapy, i can easily exist in clemson t-shirts, and clemson t-shirts alone.  and tights and boots.

side note: after wondering wtf "heart of hearts" means, i learned that the phrase was spoken by hamlet to refer to the "heart of my heart," i.e. the center or core of his heart.  this is where hamlet stores rational men who are not slave to passion.  then, when he needs to, he busts them out of his chest like alien to unleash on his foes.  but i digress...

I WILL get more fresh air.  simple and delicious adventure waiting to happen.  i will not get more exercise though.  exercise is boring and contrived and i get all the exercise my exhausted and wasted body can handle chasing panzer full-speed on his bicycle down the sidewalk, holding mohs protectively in a constant arm-lock while he wiggles and giggles and strains to get his jaws on something, and unlocking secret levels of just dance 4.  i may even get one of the 2 brand new pairs of fluorescent running shoes i bought last year out of its box this year.

I WILL write more.  or at least as much as i can.  if nothing else, someday mohs and panzer are going to find this and laugh hysterically or cry miserably at their origins.  just remember, i love you, boys.

I WILL keep up.  in 2012, i did not manage to watch a single clemson football game on the tv.  but i did become the last person on earth to see that asian guy dance gangnam style, read the hunger games (but only book one, and never the movie!), and discover the magic of lipliner.  maybe in 2013, i will finally find out what an "angry bird" is.

I WILL stay true to the things i love.  there's a fine balance between keeping up and hanging in.  fluorescent will likely no longer be in style by the time i break out my new shoes -- but it's unlikely i will outgrow that trend a second time.  red rooster peanut butter cookies.  dancing along to yo-gabba-gabba with my kiddos.  howard stern interviewing politicians and sex symbols alike.  red eye shadow and glitter.  pizza pizza pizza.  debating the relative merits of the above in economic versus psychological theory.  I WILL be there.

Not Selling Any Alibis

today (as in the day i started writing this and probably not the day i finish writing it) is apparently "no judgment day."  better than a hallmark holiday, it is a 24-hour reprieve for hardass moms, created by redbook magazine, to give yourself a break from the daily nervous breakdown that occurs when, for example, you go to pick your kid up from the babysitter and he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming because he doesn't want to come home with you.  on a side note: i remember a day before popular magazines had the power to arbitrarily create holidays where none before existed?

makes me wonder -- what does the babysitter do that i don't?  oh yeah, she stays at home with my kids all day.

makes me wonder -- am i doing this parenting thing all wrong?  should i be staying with my kids all day?  are my kids screwed because i gave up breastfeeding to go back to work instead of leading them around by the boob until they left for kindergarten?  am i depleting brain cells by playing curious george 2 for the third time in a row today?  should i have given them a bath with real soap instead of letting them jump around in a puddle in the backyard and spraying them off with the hose?

and ... the purpose of no judgment day become apparent.  because if i spend any more time asking myself these questions, and any more time answering them in the affirmative, i'll have to collapse into a blubbering heap of failure and regret.

but friends, here are my confessions.  i am not ashamed.

#1 -- i take full advantage of the fact that panzer will do anything for a fruit snack.  i buy them hundreds of packs at a time at costco, and have at least 3 packages in my purse at all times.  i will pull them out whenever i need 10 seconds of quiet and still.  i will even tell myself what a favor i am doing to him, making sure he gets all that vitamin C.  and gelatoids, or whatever.

and i'm flexible   when the obsession turned to mints, i bought tic-tacs in bulk and commended P on his excellent breath.

#2 -- i let yo-gabba-gabba babysit my kids.  but only sometimes.  i even let panzer believe that DJ lance's name is "butthead," knowing that he is not stupid can pick the real butthead out of a line-up any day.  when i was a kid, you got your mouth washed out with soap for using that kind of language.  also, i let my kids watch yo-gabba-gabba fully realizing that it is simulating a mixed-drug-induced haze/craze.  for all i know, that's what the world looks like to their brains anyway.

#3 -- i will give the kids whatever they want to eat, whenever they ask for it.  eggs and waffles for dinner?  OK.  a bowl full of nuts for breakfast?  fine.  15 glasses of milk today?  probably never hurt anyone.  you just ate three pieces of pizza and an entire pineapple, and now want to stand next to my soup bowl with your mouth open like a baby bird?  in it goes.  i don't even get mad when they eat who-knows-what crumbs off the floor.  (i do tell them it's gross, like when panzer tried to lick the old chewing gum off the sidewalk at the park, but that only invites giggles and increases the desire to eat off the floor.)

lately, panzer has been demanding to eat mohs' smashed baby food zuchinni.  whatever, i make my own and there's more of something else that can be smashed up where that came from.  i mean, kids can't unlearn how to chew and swallow, right?  and if they do, perhaps they just shouldn't be eating anymore...

anyway, when i was growing up, the floor was clean and you ate what was on the table, or nothing.  which brings me to #4.

#4 -- the kids both sit at the same high chair.  (P just pulls up a stool.)  which is the only surface in the house not covered with laundry, bills, bubble canisters, old coffee cups and other assorted things you hope your kids won't touch.  let's face it, there's no table upon which to put a single choice of food.

#5 -- i strap my baby in his swing and put on a movie so i can go back to sleep.  ironic, as when panzer was born, i swore i would never put him in a swing after hearing many horror stories about kids who develop triangular heads from the sway of a baby swing.  but i'd do it again with mohs if he insisted on getting up at 330 AM and wasn't so easy to snuggle back to sleep on the pillow next to me.

#6 --  i take my kids to safeway to look at holiday decorations.  this is where panzer learned about spiders and pumpkins, turkeys, and santa claus and snowmen.  on this point, i truly have good intentions, but usually by the time i realize a holiday is coming up, it's all up on me and i panic with indecision.  thankfully, there is always something we need at the store.

#7 -- i lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on and cover my ears when my kids are crying.  aaron thinks this is childish, cowardly, and unnecessary.  probably so.  but keeps me from running back in scooping them up and ruining that whole rules/discipline/manners thing we agreed to force upon the children.

#8 -- i get angry at my kids.  this was not something i planned to experience in the first couple years, but damn, those little heathens can cause a lot of trouble in a few short minutes!  (and yo-gabba-gabba was supposed to be watching them!)  the battles of will are not my proudest mommy moments, but i will win, especially once you've ticked me off.  thankfully, it's tough to stay mad at a little dude who runs around yelling "sorry mommy! hug!" and pats you on the back like you're his charge instead of the other way around.

#9 -- i cry for my children.  not in front of them and certainly never in front of any of you bitches.  but i'm not strong for them.  i am sniveling mess of worry and panic and indecision.  i get overwhelmed with sadness when people (kids or adults) are short or uncaring or unappreciative of their awesomeness.  at news stories highlighting what a terrible group the human race is comprised of.  when i think of them being grown up-er someday and stressed and tired and on their own with climate change and civil wars and violent religious yahoos with their own kids to worry and panic about.  like me.

#10 -- i ask for help.  a lot.  from anyone -- family, friends, dudes at starbucks, mall security, TSA officers.  pick an occupation -- that person has held at least one of my kids for five seconds while i searched for my driver's license, carried hot coffee to the car, dumped vomit out of my best leather pumps, etc.

and actually, i am largely open to advice.  i'm pretty sure panzer would be potty-trained right now if i had any idea what i was supposed to do.  and also, i am totally open to ignoring your stupid advice, jerk whose baby slept through the night at 3 weeks old.

so friends, i repeat: i am not ashamed.  my kids have fairly good digestion, grow like weeds, smile frequently, and yell "c'mon mommy" or wave fat little arms at me when i walk in the room.  no self-help book can help me with #s 1 through 10.  sorry old lady at the grocery store who never let her kids leave the house without a hat or socks until they turned 7 and can't believe i let P have a cookie from the bakery at 630 AM ... these are my wild, dirty, crazy kids and they are a product of me; you can suck it.

Know Your Role

every once in a while i feel ashamed in the office for announcing that i don't know how to use the fax machine.  then i went to the oral surgeon to have the last of my wisdom teeth removed.  when i had the first 2 removed, i had only local anesthetic, so was wide awake while the quack pried my gigantic teeth out with a pair of pliers, using my cheek for leverage, which created a nice blood splatter all over my face.  so this time, i opted for the general anesthesia.  as an aside, this was also cheaper, which makes me suspect that things can go really wrong and quickly, resulting in additional medical expenses that cost the insurer more money, if you are not completely blacked out for the procedure.

that turned out to be a lot more involved than i thought.  as soon as i sat down, the doctor started the laughing gas and told me he would numb my arm before putting the IV in.  i've been giving blood since i had capacity to give my own informed consent 12 years ago, so i've been stuck with a lot of needles in my lifetime.  when i was in law school, i used to donate platelets because you could bring a DVD and watch it on your own little TV while they popped you popcorn and generally treated you like royalty, which was the closest thing i ever had to a vacation, so i've been stuck with giant needles that pump your guts out, filter them out, and pump them back in many times.  and then of course there's the whole giving-birth thing, where you're practically begging someone to drill a giant tube into your spine.  since i was already kind of doped up, i felt free to let the doctor know that i thought his numbing spray was a little overkill.

he agreed that i have giant veins with no excuse not to hit it on the first try, but then pointed out that those hundreds of needles were placed by professionals, who are skilled at those types of things.  he's an oral surgeon.  he gets paid to bust your teeth into little pieces and pry them out of your face.  he doesn't get paid to place needles.  wait, what?

i was too high on the laughing gas at the time to register the blood spraying out of my arm before i fell asleep.  and woke up with my first-ever bruise from a needle-poke.  he showed me ... turns out, i do believe people should stick to what they're good at.  i will spend the 20 minutes each it would take to train me on the fax machine, postage meter, typewriter three-hole punch, etc. making money to pay my staff to just do the same thing in 5 seconds or less.

i used to think that i had a high pain tolerance, having suffered my fair share of avoidable and ridiculous injuries.  what i realize now is that i have a high pain threshhold.  it is a slight but crucial difference.  basically, i don't feel pain ... until i do.  and when i do, it gets ugly fast.  back up.  throw the narcotics at me from a safe distance.  preferably accompanied by a tub of chunky monkey and an original futurama episode.  and try not to speak until spoken to.

of course, this plan has limited utility in my household.  ice cream must be shared.  the tv is ruled by little monsters dancing to the beat of a skinny black dude in a furry orange marching band hat.  mohs has figured the exact right place on my jaw to repeatedly bash his little head when he's wrapping his arms around me to grab the tiny hairs at the nape of my neck and gnaw mercilessly on my shoulder.  and panzer never, ever stops talking, usually to report on other people's business.  side note:  i have concluded nosiness is inherent in human nature and those who hold onto it into adulthood cannot be blamed.  P could give 2 shits about the soup sitting on his plate right in front of him (until you take it away away from him and then it is "MINE!"), but will spend the entirety of a meal talking about how daddy's soup is hot and daddy's soup has carrots in it and daddy's soup is yummy.

on the plus side, having two teeth wrenched from my skull and subsequent week of weeping while slurping down yogurt and broth kick-started my holiday diet, obliterating the last five pounds and then some.

in another news, i have been trying to let panzer help me with the cooking.  i always enjoyed baking things as a kid (and remember marathon christmas cookie rolling and cutting and baking and decorating days on the kitchen floor where we could all reach) and have been looking forward to sharing the kitchen with panzer.  it has been a challenge, because 2-year-olds aren't careful and if given a choice, would actually prefer the mess they made to any other options.  stirring things?  maybe if you had a really huge bowl with a tiny bit to be mixed in the bottom.  cracking eggs?  maybe if you like your quiche to be crunchy and frantically cleaning raw egg out of your toddler's fists before he can lick it off.  pouring ingredients from the cup into the bowl?  sometimes ok (again, need big bowl with small amount of ingredients) but a fleeting joy.  placing pre-made balls of cookie dough on a sheet?  ok if you like each cookie to have a perfect little bite missing from it.

we're pretty much down to washing things and peeling things.  P helped wash the potatoes i mashed.  he sat on the floor, dipped his wash cloth into a bowl of water, and wrung it out on top of the potato.  P helped me shuck corn.  he pulled each leaf, one at a time, being careful not to touch the tassles at the top which seriously grossed him out.  P helped me shell walnuts.  he sat next to me, taking a turn with the nutcracker and using them like chopsticks to pick up the shells in the garbage bowl.  and eating every third nut i put in the bowl.  takes 10x longer and creates at least 2 additional messes to sop up, but ... that's his job and he's good at it.  :)   

do you smell what the rock is cooking?

Illusion of Choice

so the year is 2012 and since that is divisible by 4, it means that come november, there will be a presidential election.  i am like a lost puppy this year, having proudly voted for ralph nader in each and every election since i came of voting age.  i guess at age 78, he is allowed to give up the good fight, even if it does leave me stranded.  i got to see him speak in athens when i was in college (right after i got my belly button pierced = multitasking) and the thing that sticks out most for me was how incredibly long his fingers were.  oh yeah, and he was awesome and articulate and consistent and respectful.

i am in fierce opposition to the two-party system, and suppose i have been for a while.  i just don't think it's realistic to divide people in half.  nor do i think that being fiscally conservative must make you socially conservative. and i am getting increasingly frustrated with the illusion of choice that is romnobama.

i thought i might watch the presidential debate and get some perspective on what is going on these days in the wonderful US of A.  i must warn you that if you are looking for some brilliant commentary or response from me on the issue, turn back.  mohs kept daddy company on the couch during the broadcast, but i spent the time debating with panzer about the relative merits of spaghetti (yummy) versus worms (yucky), doing the potty dance, and coaxing him into the bathtub.  i am half-envious/half-disgusted at you people who have time or energy to be political.

i wake up later to find out that a key issue in the debate was big bird.  say what!?  i can't think of a better way to alienate people completely unnecessarily than attacking their kids' friend.  because not all parentss get up before the sun comes up to spend quality non-TV time with their kids, reading books and racing cars and watering plants and explaining, in vain, what a mummy is.  as an aside, panzer gave no sign of understanding what a dead person wrapped in toilet paper means.

cut over to the second debate, and i wake up to find out that the childish bickering has spawned two new english words:  romnesia -- to describe mitt romney's selective memory when it comes to major policy decisions, most of which revolve around women's issues.  and obamarrhea -- physical illness brought on by simply experiencing the current presidential administration.

it amuses me that the supporters of each have a permanent new vocabulary word, while the haters relate it all to being childish meanieheads.  i happen to think they're both very clever.  which might make me a childish meaniehead...

but REALLY, these are my choices?  yeesh.  so, in my infinite free time i take a closer look, to realize that romnobama are both in support of bailouts, sending americans out to deal with senseless violence and drama in other countries, restriction on gun ownerships, and indefinite detention of american citizens with no due process ... and against balancing the budget and controlling spending anytime before i'm a real-life bona fide senior citizen.  yeesh.  are americans really going to divide themselves and choose a president over the epic adam-and-eve vs. adam-and-steve debate?  yeesh again.

as of this moment, i can't even comprehend what i'm to do with this information, other than defect to a third-world country, preferably with a favorable exchange rate to the U.S. dollar, fair weather and a nice beach with a reasonable probability of withstanding impending sea level rise.  i'd be willing to take an array of qualified individuals with me to start our own society.  again.  it'd take at least a couple hundred years to really screw that up.  i may never be able to look my nickels, quarters, and $1 bills in the face again...


so anyway, back to what i do know and understand ... in other news, i am 100% convinced that holidays are the best part about having your own family.  (today anyway -- tomorrow, the best part may again be the excuse to go to bed at 8 p.m.)  i've always been about celebrating holidays in silly ways, but even aaron is inspired -- he was insistent on trick-or-treating last year even though P could barely walk, was not deterred by the late hour in viewing fireworks for the 4th of july, and i suspect we will never have a december without a REAL tree, even if we are totally behind schedule and there are only 6 days left until christmas.  as we head into october, thanks to the aunties for making sure the kids are always stocked up on glow-in-the-dark skele-ruda outfits ;)

anyway, the pumpkin patch was an easy choice today.  P woke up in his pumpkin PJs talking about pumpkins.  when we went on our morning coffee run, we took a long detour through the pumpkin display at safeway.  i sprung the 79 cents for a panzer-sized mini-pumpkin, and listened to him say "i lick it!" all the way home.  P didn't let the pumpkin out of his sight, and to jump to the end of the story, he is sleeping with the pumpkin right now.  (along with a lot of other things -- you can see it between george the monkey and the heebie-jeebie's foot).

we went to freeman farms last year, closer to halloween, and had a good time, but P was really in his element this year.  as an aside, only the attorney mom spends time trying to get her kid to stand next to the release-of-liability sign.  but i couldn't resist the skull and cross bones paired with the big red barn against the brilliant blue sky...  anyway, P would've sat on the choo choo train all day if it weren't for pesky mommy dragging him through everything.  along with pumpkins, P is also obsessed with tractors, cows, trains, scarecrows, and popcorn.  NOT  the merry-go-round ... i got him acquainted with the "chicken" we would be riding, and he did fine as long as i sat on it with him (which i am sure violated some weight limit and/or OSHA regulation ... and certainly constituted an inherently dangerous activity for which i assumed all risk of injury).  but when i hopped up and stood next time him, mid-ride, he freaked.  thankfully, early in the season, it was not crowded and as the only people on the merry-go-round, were able to demand it stop immediately and release us.  we came by the merry-go-round a few more times, but the best i could get from panzer was a "hi, chicken."  he would not get any closer.

mohs of course was happy to come along for the ride in his tractor onesy.  he was into the animals, giving them his signature unblinking stare as he assessed them, their purpose and intentions, and how he could most efficiently bend them to his will.  he is a hair-puller though (always grabbing the little ones at the base of my neck with a steel grip, ouch) and the poor goat was no exception.

aaron and i have carved pumpkins every year that we've been together.  however, never have we paid $19.75 for a single pumpkin plus the joy of picking it yourself and hefting it, plus almost 50 pounds of children and a garbage bag full of kettle corn, back to the stationwagon.

turns out we purchased the biggest pumpkin they've seen so far -- something like 28 pounds.  now that it's home and panzer wants to "ride" it, it makes sense to get one that approximates his weight and size, otherwise i'd be tripping over it and stubbing my toe in the dark while P rolled it around OR even better, it would be smashed into smithereens and smeared all over the house before i figured out he was using it as a new ball.  for you easterners, in arizona, it's hot and dry so pumpkins don't last long after you carve them -- we have a few weeks of just enjoying the monstrous beauty before it becomes a work of art and quickly deteriorates.